Love In The Ice
by RinKim
Summary: After having her parents taken away from her by the titans years ago, Rin Knightwalker decides to walk in their footsteps and joins the Survey Corps, where she is met with familiar faces from her childhood. Despite the 19-year old Rin's conviction that this world is too cruel to love anyone, she still falls for the humanity's strongest soldier, Levi, who she shares a past with...
1. Prologue

_**It's not your fault those hands are cold**_

_**Clinging onto the wounds of the past**_

_**Afraid to love someone**_

_**Turning your back against the true meaning of the story**_

_**The heart that is hugged, slowly melts, like ice**_

_**To be loved by someone**_

_**By anyone**_

_**It makes life shine**_

_**Like this**_

_**If it was me**_

_**I would make your heart once again**_

_**Warm with undying love**_

_**~ Love in the Ice - DBSK**_

_The year is 850…_

_This is to you, 2000 years from now… _

_They're coming. The titans, they're coming. We, the humans, struggle to defeat every last one of them, but it seems to be of no use. People fall, die, get eaten. Whenever the Survey Corps returns from one of their missions outside these heavenly walls, which we think protects us from the titans, they are always fewer than when they first drove out. _

_They rarely bring any bodies back, though. _

_It's dangerous outside these walls, the Survey Corps have shown us this. _

_Yet, people like me, who still have hope, keep believing in the brave soldiers. Even though they've failed their missions many times, they keep trying. They wont give up, no matter how hopeless it all might seem. _

_And yet, the other people, who think that these walls honestly can keep protecting them for forever, scold the soldiers for fighting the titans, scold them for dying and losing their comrades and friends. _

_They have never seen a titan before. _

_I have. _

_My mother has._

_My father has._

_They died together, while facing a titan on one of their missions. _

_They loved each other, and died together…_

_I loved them, more than anything. It hurts to love someone, when everyone around you keeps dying. _

_Love… Kills you…_

_Which is why I refuse to love anyone in a world like this._

_I wish to survive, which is why I can't love anyone…_

_I can't love, until every last titan is dead._


	2. Background Story

_**Year 838**_

This year, was the year where I lost my family to the titans.

I remember the day when it was announced that the Survey Corps were returning from one of their missions, and I hurried towards the gate and market place, where people were lining up to get a glimpse of the Survey Corps - or just to see exactly how many soldiers had actually returned this time. The Survey Corps would always ride through the market place whenever they returned from their missions, whether it was a success or a failure. Most people saw hope, whenever they looked at the brave soldiers, even if their numbers had been decreased since they drove out.

They hadn't given up, and that was one of the things I admired the most about them.

I remember watching with some of the other children from the district. We were all watching in excitement, talking about the strongest of the soldiers, and my parents being some of them - but we grew quiet as we realized, that a lot of the soldiers were missing. There was a grim atmosphere around the soldiers as they rode through the district, their faces facing the ground as they avoided any kind of eye-contact from the citizens around them. Everything grew quiet, almost mute. The only thing I could hear, was the sound of the horse's shoes, clacking against the ground as they walked by at a slow pace. I could faintly hear mothers, fathers and lovers screaming at them, crying while they asked where their beloved were, why their beloved were nowhere to be seen.

I remember, that I quickly got eye-contact with one of the soldiers in the front - he looked at me with his ash-gray eyes, recognized me, and quickly turned his face to look at the ground, his expression cold and emotionless, with no light in his eyes. I remember seeing him before with my parents, he was one of the strongest soldiers and was one of the subordinates of my parents - my mother being the commander and my father being a leading soldier.

However…

I soon realized, that I couldn't find my parents anywhere.

They were leading this expedition, and should be in the front, but they were nowhere to be found.

That day, I was later told, that my parents died while fighting a titan.

My hatred to the titans has grown ever since that day.

_**Year 845**_

This was the year where the humanity realized that these walls that we believed were a gift from God, wouldn't be able to protect us against the titans forever.

The outer wall, wall Maria, was breached and titans invaded the Shiganshina District where I lived with my grandparents since my parents' death.

A 60-meter tall skinless titan breached the gate to the 50 meter tall wall - this titan was called the Colossal Titan. It appeared in a glimpse of lightning and destroyed the gate, as easily as blinking, letting other titans enter the city.

It was like a huge shock for the whole district.

It was like a nightmare.

I don't remember much about that day.

All I remember is that I ran, I ran and ran as fast as I could. I remember that the Survey Corps wasn't in the city - they had left for another mission, so it was all up to the Garrison, the soldiers protecting the walls against the titans outside. The Military Police Brigade, which mainly consisted of the soldiers with the best ranking upon finishing the training, guarded the nobles, who were far away from wall Maria - and many of those soldiers hadn't even seen a titan before, so what would it matter if they even decided to help out anyway?

The few soldiers did their best to evacuate the city.

Citizens were being grabbed by the titans behind us - eaten while they screamed for their life.

It rained blood on that day.

As soon as I got home to my grandparents, I remember seeing them easily being grabbed by a titan and eaten, while they screamed that I should run as fast as I could. I should flee for my life.

But I was completely frozen in place.

I was terrified.

I just lost the rest of my family, in a blink of an eye.

Their blood raining down on me.

Suddenly someone screamed at me and grabbed my hand - it was a boy, a child, from the district grabbing my hand and pulling me along as he yelled that I should run without looking back.

He had tears in his eyes.

Just like me.

I knew him just faintly.

His father was the doctor who frequently visited my grandparents.

I trusted this boy, and ran with him as we cried together.


	3. Chapter 1: The Lifechanging Decision

_**Year 847**_

It's been nine years since my parents died. Two years since the titans breached the wall. I'm one out of many children, who were left without parents after this, yet I was one of the lucky children who were adopted pretty fast. I remember that we were brought to some kind of church, along with the rest of the survivors who didn't have anywhere else to go since their homes were now inhabited by titans. We got very little food, even though we, the children, got the most of it. It was cold, sad and lonely to sit there in the church. Sure there were a lot of people around me all the time, but what does it matter if they're just as sad as you, if not sadder?

The children, who were left with no family, were adopted - including me.

I was adopted by a shop keeper family, who already had two kids, but still decided to take me in as their own. They knew my parents slightly, though not a lot - no one really knew my parents that well, since they were rarely home to socialize with the other citizens, and when they were finally home they would be working by writing reports or anything like that.

However, my parents still found their time to me, and I was especially very close with my mother, Lucy Knightwalker, the commander of the Survey Corps.

Actually, some of the citizens were frightened because of my parents' high rank within the military, and they didn't want to risk getting into trouble by saying something wrong, even though my parents weren't like that at all…

Nonetheless, I was adopted by the McClane family. Even though it was a family which owned their own shop, they weren't rich or anything - they were middle class, to be frank, just like my grandparents were, so nothing new there.

If there were any good things about being adopted, it is that I actually had a chance to socialize with my so called "family", without them leaving on missions all the time - besides, my new siblings had actually become my friends, my slightly younger sister becoming my best friend. At first when we met, we barely spoke, mostly because she didn't like the thought of sharing her parents with a stranger, and I actually understood that completely.

But she eventually accepted me by the time, and we became really close. Her name was Joon, we were about the same age and height, and she could always make me smile or even laugh, no matter how down I felt.

I appreciated that.

She was the one who made me smile for the first time since my grandparents passed…

I had just turned 16 years old, and my adoptive parents talked about which of us children should inherit the shop after them, they even included me in their conversation, even though I wasn't a McClane by blood - I had still kept my parents' last name.

Knightwalker.

I was glad that they had accepted me completely as a part of their family, my father even being the classy "overprotective" father when it came to guys, even though he knew that I knew how to swing a fist. I could easily defend myself - well, at most times.

"Leave me out of it," I said as I continued to eat my omelet. My parents and siblings looked at me with raised eyebrows as I had just interrupted them in their discussion.

"What do you mean, Rin?" my adoptive mother asked, my siblings eying me suspiciously, since they couldn't really believe their own ears, they both wanted to inherit the shop, but I didn't. Don't get me wrong, yes I would be honored to inherit their shop, but honestly - I didn't feel like I had the right to. I just came barging into their life with no warning, we weren't even related by blood and we never would be. Their jewelry shop was beautiful, indeed, but it should stay in the family.

Besides, I had other plans with my life.

"I'm joining the military next week," I simply stated as I finished my omelet, my adoptive mother quickly getting up of her seat.

"You can't be serious about that! Why would someone with your intelligence and looks join something like the military?!" My mother's voice seemed very strict, she nearly even scolded me, I guess. I wasn't sure, since she had never really scolded me that way before.

"Rin, explain yourself," my father said, putting a hand on my mother's shoulder to calm her down - it actually worked, though her expression didn't change as she sat down again.

"I've been thinking about it," I muttered as I looked down, biting my lower lip softly, "I want to walk in the footsteps of my… My parents. They were great soldiers, and I want to be a soldier too… Besides-…" I stopped speaking as I clenched my fists in my lap without looking at anyone at the dinner table.

"I… I want to kill every single titan out there. I want to kill them all. I want to be of use to mankind."

"_I want to kill them all, Rin…"_

A painful silence struck the dinner table, my younger brother dropping the fork.

Everyone just looked at me with wide eyes, not quite believing what they just heard me say.

I, a 16-year old girl, barely 160 centimeter tall, wanted to join the military.

"But sis, you're to small," my little brother said. He was only turning fifteen this year, and he was already over a head taller than me - giant brat.

"Oi, you should be careful when you walk around outside. People might think you're a titan," I growled coldly and he immediately shut up and swallowed.

"But you're a girl, Rin! And a kid, even… You can't be serious about joining the military, can you?" my adoptive mother said with a worried expression on her face. I could hear her breathing - it was hiccuped, like she was on the verge of crying, "Why wont you just let the men do it? You should stay here, home with us, right?" She let her hands brush my white hair away from my face as she looked at me, sending me a small, kind smile as she cupped my face in her palms. "You're such a pretty, little girl, Rin…"

"I'm sixteen, not five," I replied to her words, not quite accepting her reaction on my future.

"Besides, I promised it to someone," I said, sighing deeply.

"Who?" my mother asked, raising an eyebrow.

"One of the kids I used to play with when I still lived with my grandparents…" I muttered, keeping my voice a bit down. I just realized how stupid it actually sounded. I had to join the military, because of a promise to a little kid - how pathetic could I actually get? What if he couldn't even remember the promise anyway?

"Actually," my father broke the silence, "… The strongest soldier in the military is around your height," he said, and I was incredibly surprised of the fact that he actually seemed to encourage me to join the military - I mean, he did, right? Nonetheless, he even knew about who the strongest soldiers were and all… How come?

"The strongest soldier?" I asked.

"Humanity's strongest soldier, yes. He's about 160cm tall, in fact," my father said with a hint of a small laugh in his voice.

"Honey, you're not thinking about giving her permission, are you?" my mom asked, her jaw almost having dropped to the floor.

"Sweetheart, it's just as you said - she's an intelligent young woman. I believe she can decide what's best for herself," my father said with a smile to my mother. I understood that my mother wasn't too happy about it. Many soldiers didn't make it back alive from their very first mission - well, unless you were actually in the Military Police Brigade, since they were safe and sound in the inner parts of the walls. The Garrison usually did fine, too, as long as no titans could reach them, which they usually couldn't - the walls were 50 meters tall, titans were rarely in the 15-meter class.

"I believe that you'll strive to become a part of the Survey Corps, then?" my father asked with a raised eyebrow. I nodded. My mother turned completely pale, maybe she had hoped for the Military Police Brigade, or at least the Garrison - but no, I wanted to become a part of the Survey Corps.

"That's right. Just like my parents were," I replied. "I want to get a chance to leave these walls…"

"I guess that leaves us with two children to take over the shop," my mom said as I got up to do the dishes from the dinner - it was my turn.

"Nah, you can leave me out as well," someone spoke, and I nearly dropped a plate as I looked over my shoulder to see my slightly younger sister, with a grin on her face, "I'm going to join the military too! Just like Rin!"

"EEEEHHH?!" It echoed through the whole house, all the four of us being utterly surprised.

"O-Oi, Joon! Are you crazy?!" I exclaimed, "Why do you suddenly want to join the military?" I was shocked, my sister, Joon McClane, wasn't the kind of person I would think would join the military. She was funny, open, social - but very spontaneous. I couldn't imagine how she would do with the 3D Maneuvering Gear that the soldiers used against the titans - she easily got hurt, so she'd probably crash into a tree in the forest, or a window or building in the city.

She just smiled at me, her gray-turquoise eyes almost shining like a million stars in excitement.

"Because joining the military means I can join the Survey Corps, too! Which means I can see the outside world, right?!" she chuckled, a wide grin over her whole face.

Oh, dear lord…

"W-Well, I believe so…" my father stuttered, still not understanding the situation completely.

"Then I'm in!" Joon chuckled.

"No! You're not! You're not in anything! You can't join the military!" my mom exclaimed, earning a sad pout on Joon's lips.

"But sis get to join!" she protested, "And she's been telling me so much about her awesome parents' adventures outside the walls!"

Oh dear.

My parents immediately stared at me, so I just slowly decided to leave the house for now…

Days slowly went by and I was starting to become impatient. I kept counting the last couple of days until I would join the military, but that only made the days go by even slower, and I still couldn't comprehend the fact that Joon wanted to join alongside me. Even if it was nice not to be alone once joining the military, it still hurt to know that my sister - and best friend - would be put in dangerous situation if she made it through the three years of being in the training corps.

We started mentally, and physically, preparing ourselves the last week before we would be wearing the official training corps uniform - or at least that was the plan, but instead Joon just turned out to be way too excited about joining the military. I figured that I might have told her a bit too many stories about my parents' adventures outside the walls, which kinda led her to wanting to join up as well.

When my parents still lived, my mom was the commander of the Survey Corps, and my father was the leading soldier of the elite troops, even though he had never really been seen as the strongest soldier among them - which was kinda ironic. My mom used to be one of the strongest, though, so I had always wanted to know how she could die if she was so strong.

Maybe I just wasn't supposed to know.

It was the last day before I joined the training corps, and we were taking a rest at one of our favorite spots.

"Hey, Rin, do you want to become the commander as well? Just like your mother was?" Joon asked, forcing me out of my own thoughts as we sat by the harbor, watching the boats and ships float by - small as well as big. The most of them was owned by richer merchants, and were shipping some of their wares.

"Hmm?" I looked up at my sister who stood just above me, looking down at me with a huge smile and wide eyes. "I don't think I'll make it that far," I admitted, sighing quietly as I moved my glance elsewhere, "Honestly I would just be happy if I survive the training corps…"

"Don't be so negative!" Joon exclaimed as she plopped down next to me by the harbor, a small groan leaving her mouth, "Of course you'll survive! Don't be like that! You have the spirit to kill titans, so it shouldn't be a problem… You should worry more about me! I've never even seen one!"

"Oh… That's right…" I muttered quietly, my glance not leaving the water in front of me as I tried to focus on the ships sailing by as the Sun slowly went down over the horizon. I always became slightly warm and happy on the inside, whenever I watched the Sun go down. That meant that I had survived yet another day in this cruel world. Ever since the walls were breached and I realized that these walls couldn't protect us forever, I had always been so scared that the Titans would return before I was ready to face them.

Before I was ready to fight them.

I was certain that Joon didn't have the same thoughts as I did - very few people did in fact.

Of course she didn't, because she hadn't seen the titans, she didn't even know what they looked like… That would explain why she even decided to join the military along my side.

She had nothing to fear.

"I wish I had such awesome parents, though," Joon sighed quietly.

"What are you talking about? Your parents are awesome…" I protested while looking at my sister from the corner of my eyes.

"Yeah, such awesomeness… They literally do nothing but just sell stuff… Your parents slaughtered fucking titans! That's pure awesomeness!" Joon almost yelled in excitement and I swore I could see some small stars in her eyes.

"Oh," I muttered, "But my parents were rarely home. At least your parents give you love, and even find enough love for me to have as well…"

Then Joon and I went silent.

We just sat there for a few minutes, both of us having gone mute, as we looked at the water in front of us. I could hear people yelling aboard some of the ships, giving out orders in harsh voices. I just furrowed my brows as my glance moved to the sunset once again, and a thought suddenly struck me…

"… I wonder if he'll still be there in three years," I whispered quietly for myself, a small sigh leaving my lips as I realized that so many soldiers died every single day, especially outside the walls - in the Survey Corps.

"Eh? Who?" Joon asked, feeling slightly puzzled as she looked at me with her head tilted slightly to the side.

"Oh, no one," I said, a small smile on my lips as I looked at her, "Just-… Someone my parents knew…"

"Oooh, a friend perhaps?"

"I-… Don't really know if you could call him a _friend_…"

So… That's how it all began.

I joined the military with Joon by my side, even though our parents didn't want any of us to join - they knew that they couldn't stop me though, and Joon spontaneously wanted to stay by my side through thin and thick, so there was really no stopping her either. My adoptive parents decided that their son should inherit their shop, since he was their only choice, really.

Quite ironic.

The two daughters leave to become soldiers, and the son stay home to take over the shop…


	4. Chapter 2: Training Days

The sun was burning. It was too hot to be outside, and I honestly just wanted to find a bit of shade before I collapsed from this heat. Wearing the military uniform, which consisted of a brown jacket and long boots, was definitely not suited for this kind of weather. We had been told to get on line, all of us - I'd guess we were about five hundred new soldiers, maybe a bit less. The most of us seemed to be quite young, though - I didn't know whether that was a good or bad thing. No one seemed to interact much, but I thought that a lot of the new cadets were looking surprisingly happy to be here, but why? They were here to become soldiers to kill titans, it wasn't some kind of summer camp, so why all the smiling faces? I couldn't make myself smile even if I wanted to - I knew exactly how frightening titans were. I had seen them with my very own eyes as they devoured my grandparents.

Could it be, that these cadets had never seen titans before?

"So you're our new cadets! What a bunch of worthless pigs!"

A small jolt ran through my body as I was pulled out of my own thoughts by a surprise - the man who was welcoming us now stood in front of the five hundred new cadets, yelling at us.

What a welcoming.

Those were literally the first words that were spoken directly to us.

It was the very first day in training to become soldiers, and some huge, bald man with deep wrinkles on his forehead was standing in front of us, the cadets who were all lined-up perfectly, while he screamed in our faces about how worthless, useless and weak we all were. The name of the instructor, was Keith Shadis. I remember that my parents knew him, since he had been in the Survey Corps as well, he had actually been promoted to commander after my mom died, but now he chose to continue to use his skills in order to teach new soldiers instead - step one was the yelling.

I could literally see, how the hair of his victims were blown back because of his loud yelling.

He kept saying how one cadet was a pig, while the other was a dog.

"Oh! Can I please be a bunny?!"

… And then there was Joon.

"Cadet! What do you think this is?! Some kind of zoo?! I will tell you what you are, understood?! Throw your identities away starting today!" the man yelled right in Joon's face, and I was sure some of his spit even hit her in the middle of everything - I could read some signs of disgust on her face. Poor sister.

"You are worthless here, understood?! No matter how rich your family was, or how poor, you're equal, all as one!" the man yelled, partly to Joon and partly to all of the soldiers. Some of us didn't wear a single expression, we just stared into the thin air while listening to the instructor, which included me.

As Keith Shadis had finished teaching Joon a lesson, it was suddenly my turn - but he skipped right past me, just like he had done to a bunch of other soldiers, those of us who wore no expressions.

I guess, that those people who had already accepted that they were nothing, but empty shells to serve, didn't have to get that lesson taught once more. We had already seen the horror with our very own eyes, and continue to see the horror every night when we close our eyes… Whether it was the Colossal Titan, or the death of my grandparents, the horror was still haunting me, and it would probably keep haunting me forever.

That's how our training days began.

We didn't do much the first couple of days. We were introduced to the 3-Dimensional Maneuvering Gear, or the 3DMG, which was the ultimate weapon against titans. It literally made us able to fly through the thin air, by using wires to swing ourselves in, and "Gas" as some sort of fuel to move forward once off the ground. In order to kill the titans, long blades were used - each 3DMG set consisted of 12 blades in total, which we were able to change between, in case some of them broke or got stuck inside of the titans upon attack.

We were taught about the biology of titans - or at least as much as humanity knew about titans. The first thing we were taught, were their weak spot, which was their nape. Titans could regenerate quickly, and the nape was the only part which would kill them before they could regenerate. Apart from that, titans didn't have any organs, which meant that when they ate us humans, we would not be digested - we would just become vomit, as soon as the titan's belly was full.

Yuck.

So they literally just eat just, just because they want to? They don't even need food to survive?

Titans are quite stupid, huh?

I didn't really socialize that much with the other new cadets, mostly because I didn't think that I came to this place to get friends, I came to this place in order to become a soldier, nothing less and nothing more - as I said, it wasn't some kind of summer camp. I often found myself sitting outside the dining hall, by myself, with a lump of bread and a pouch of water. I would always sit there, no matter what time on the day we were eating. Joon would sometimes join, and sometimes not. She was way better at socializing than me, so sometimes I was left alone, but not lonely. I was never really lonely.

I liked being alone most of the time, so I wouldn't force Joon to become an asocial loser like me.

It was just me, the sunset, and the passing cadets, who had been punished and were to run laps until it turned dark outside, or they eventually collapsed.

Watching them run by was one way to socialize in my book. At least I was able to tell whether I had seen certain people run laps before or not. There was this girl, Sasha Blouse - she seemed to get punished a lot. I remember on the introduction, she got punished for eating a baked potato.

On this day, the fourth day of the training, someone dared to walk up to me, though.

As I sat on the staircase on the veranda and watched the sunset, I heard his footsteps just behind me.

"Hey, there is plenty of room inside if you want to join us," his voice said. His voice was light, calm and… Incredibly kind. It was kind in a way that actually warmed my heart, but I didn't really know whether to respond or not. I had told myself that I didn't want to get friends during training, because I didn't wish to lose people that I cared about again. It still hurt to think about my parents, grandparents… And the children I used to play with back at the Shiganshina District. I knew that a few of them had survived, but far from everyone did.

"Are… Are you alright?" the guy said as he sat down next to me, and I could feel a small shiver run up my spine. He looked at me, and I was too nervous to look back at him.

"Everything is fine," I simply replied in a monotone voice, my glare moving a bit down towards my feet, that I nervously collected.

"Oh… I see," he said followed by a long break before he spoke again. "My name is Marco Bott, by the way. I don't believe we've met before, have we?" he kept talking to me in that kind voice, as if he thought that we could become friends, comrades, or anything alike. Just the thought of losing someone close to me once again, almost made my hands shake as the memories returned.

"M-My name… Is Rin… Rin McClane," I lied while looking away from the person next to me.

I lied. My last name wasn't McClane.

"Nice to meet you, Rin-chan," he said, and I couldn't help but slowly turn my face to look at him, at least to know what he looked like. I felt upset with myself for behaving like a brat and not wanting to speak with him when he seemed so kind. I usually wasn't like this - I loved my friends, I really did. I was usually a kind, open and fun person, which was why this situation put me into some kind of conflict with myself.

I did want to get to know people here.

"… Nice to meet you too, Marco Bott," I replied as I quickly studied his face. He was clearly pretty tall, had short, black hair, light brown eyes and freckles on his cheeks. The expression on his face was kind and calm. Collected. He smiled at me, one of those warm smiles that makes your cheeks tickle, forcing you into a smile as well.

"Say, why do you want to become a soldier, Rin-chan?" he carefully asked, looking at me with a questioning face.

"Uhm," I quietly mumbled, looking just a little bit away again.

"S-Sorry, if you don't want to tell me, then you really don't have to," he quickly said.

"No, it's okay," I sighed quietly before I turned to look at him again with a faint smile on my lips, "I want to avenge my parents… The titans took them away from me, when I was still a little kid," I explained with a small sigh.

"Mh? Was that during the breach on Wall Maria?" Marco asked and I quickly shook my head.

"No. They were part of the Survey Corps," I corrected him and he immediately grew silent.

I turned my attention to the sunset once again. The sun was almost gone by now. I took a bite of my bread while I looked at the last sunbeams in the sky above the horizon. It was always so nice and quiet outside, compared to inside the dining hall, where there would be noise, discussions and even fights.

"I believe you want to be a part of the Survey Corps as well, huh?" Marco finally asked, I just gave a small nod in return.

"I didn't come here to train killing titans, in order to end up far away from them in the Military Police Brigade," I clicked my tongue as I stood up, but just as I did, the door to the dining hall opened behind me, and a guy stepped outside.

"Oi, Marco! There you are!" he said, Marco quickly turning around to face him.

"I looked everywhere in the dining hall, and then I find you outside," the guy said with a sigh. I thought that they might want to be alone, and I had finished eating anyway, so I turned to walk back to the girls' dorm, turning my side to the other guy, whose name I did not know, but I looked at him from the corner of my eyes, and saw him looking right back at me with wide eyes.

"W-White hair," I heard from his lips and I froze, but still turned my face to look at him.

He looked directly back at me with a pair of wide, intense, light brown eyes. He had short, light ash-brown hair, with the sides and back trimmed short in a undercut, and in a darker shade as well. He was pretty tall, though he seemed to be a bit shorter than Marco.

However, his cheeks were completely red.

"Yeah, I believe white hair is quite rare these days, huh?" Marco said with a smile as he walked up to the other guy, not at all seeing the way the other guy he just stared at me with an open mouth, as if he was trying to find something to say.

"Ah, Rin-chan, this is Jean Kirstein, my friend," Marco said as he introduced the stunned guy to me.

"… Nice to meet you," I almost forced myself to say quietly, just before I decided to take my leave, walking past Marco and Jean, to get back to the girls' dorm, feeling their eyes - especially Jean's eyes - on me as I left them. I didn't know why he looked at me, though. Was it because of my hair color? It wasn't unnatural, was it? It was white, not pink or blue…

As soon as I couldn't feel their gazes on me anymore, I bit my lower lip and carefully grabbed my braided, white hair. It was long, white, and braided into a loose braid, held together by a red ribbon. It looked a bit messy, but I wasn't really that good at doing my hair, so it would have to manage. It's not like I cared that much about it anyway…

But… I didn't really like when people commented on my hair like that.

Even if Jean only mentioned my hair color, it made me sad.

When I was a little girl, people would usually tell me, that my hair was just the same as my mother's, whose hair was white as snow as well. It was a quite rare hair color, I guess, which is why it reminded me of my mother more than anything. Even though she was taken away from me when I was still a little kid, I could still remember her clearly. She was tall, beautiful, and had long, white hair and blue eyes, just like mine. She was caring, like no other. She was a person that everyone loved. My father was just as tall, but I remember that he was very overprotective around me. Even if I was just a little child, he would always glare at my friends - if they were boys. That included Eren, Dr. Jaeger's son.

Eren Jaeger.

Sometimes I really wonder what he's doing right now…


	5. Chapter 3: Memories

_Year 838…_

_I remember that it was raining on this particular day. _

_I wore pitch black clothes, a frilly dress with a matching ribbon in my hair. Everyone around me wore the same color of clothing. I don't remember any of their faces, they all seemed blurry for me at that time for some reason. I did not know if it was because of the dark weather, or because of the painful tears in my eyes that slowly made their way down my apple cheeks. _

"_Otoosan… Okaasan…" I quietly whispered between my small sobs as my eyes had completely frozen at the view before me…_

_Two coffins, decorated in roses and other flowers in every color, which had gotten completely soaked because of the pouring rain. A small painting on top of each of the chests, the paintings looking exactly like my parents, unlike the few of their remains in the coffins that the Survey Corps were able to collect. _

_My parents loved each other very much. _

_They were always together. _

_And now, they would still be together in Heaven, while they looked down on me, took care of me from above. _

_Even if they were in a better place now, a place without death, sickness, fear and titans, it still hurt like a needle through my heart. Just knowing that I couldn't see them anymore, made my tears keep coming. I was just a kid by then, so it was still a bit hard for me to understand why my parents didn't come home. _

_On my right, my grandparents and my family's friends were gathered. _

_On my left, the soldiers from the Survey Corps stood, while saluting the fallen commander and captain, those whom I had been proud to call my parents. _

_No one said anything. The only sound being made was the rain, hitting the ground and the coffins, even as they were buried in the ground. Even as people slowly left what was now my parents' graves, I stayed. I didn't move, but just stood and stared at the names on the gravestones. _

_Lucy Knightwalker_

_James Knightwalker_

"_Otoosan… Okaasan… Why aren't you coming back?" I quietly asked, knowing that I wouldn't get a reply from any of them. The tears just continued to fall from my eyes as I kept staring in disbelief. My heart beating painfully hard against the inside of my chest, my hands shaking, partly from the crying and partly from being completely soaked in the cold rain. _

"_Oi, stop crying," a voice suddenly said behind me. It was a slightly deep, monotone voice, and I had certainly heard it before. I could not be mistaken._

"_I-… I'm not crying!" I quickly said, turning my face towards the ground as the tears kept coming. I heard the person walking up next to me as he knelt down on the ground next to me, placing a bouquet of beautiful, big sunflowers on my parents' grave. _

_Those flowers were my mother's favorite. _

_I slowly turned my head to look up at him, my tears having stopped for a small second. The next thing I knew, the person had wrapped his green Survey Corps coat around my small shoulders, the bottom of the coat nearly touching the ground. _

"_You'll get sick out here," he said with the same, monotone voice as a small sigh left his lips, "I'm following you home." I watched his every move while I wiped the tears from my eyes. His face was the same as always. He didn't seem affected by the situation - apart from a little bit of sadness, that I could only just hint in his ash-gray eyes. Some of his face was covered by his dark hair, so it was hard to tell exactly what he felt. _

_He gently took my tiny, cold hand into his larger, warm one, just as he stood up again, looking at the grave one last time. _

"_Let's go, Rin," he said quietly. I sniffed quickly as I wiped my eyes with my other hand once again. _

"_H-Hai, Levi…" _

I opened my eyes as my dream suddenly ended. The noise from the pouring rain was gone, and I was left alone in the darkness of the girls' dorm, lying on my back as I looked up at the wooden ceiling. I sat up and looked around, seeing that everyone apart from me were fast asleep, probably having nicer dreams than I just had.

Being reminded of your parents' funeral wasn't that nice.

And it all felt so real, too.

The rain, pouring down on my face, being mixed with my salty tears. The way everyone mourned, no one saying a word as the coffins were buried. The way I was left behind, because I refused to go along with my grandparents after they left the graveyard.

I was reminded of the way, a young Levi took my hand and led me home, through the rain.

It usually wasn't like him to do something like leading a child home. I didn't know him that well, I had met him a couple of times before the funeral - but not since. The few times I had met him, was when my parents were having a small meeting in our house in the evening when I should be asleep. I've had a bad habit of waking up in the middle of the night ever since I was a little girl, so whenever that happened, I would always go look for my parents, even if they were having an important meeting with some of their subordinates.

I remember they were having a meeting with Erwin Smith, a young man I knew quite well, someone I had met a couple of times - but suddenly, he would bring this other, young man along with him. He was a lot shorter than Erwin, and had this cold, arrogant glare in his eyes. I remember how scared I was of him the first time we met. He just glared at me, while he asked my parents who I were, and what I was doing there - and Erwin would quickly scold him for talking like that in front of a kid, shutting him up.

He did become more disciplined by the time, though.

I was never told much about him, about who he were, about what he was doing there, with my parents and Erwin.

Maybe it was for the better that I didn't know, huh?

"Maybe I should just stop thinking about this stuff, and get back to sleep…" I whispered quietly for myself, letting out a deep sigh. A busy day was waiting…

The whole day, the dream was stuck in my head. The dream was almost like a flashback. I didn't quite understand why I would dream about that at a time like this. I often had nightmares, which caused me to wake up in the middle of the night, and sometimes I would even scream in my dream while sweating like crazy, causing Joon to panic.

But I didn't scream this night.

I guess that even though it was like a nightmare, being reminded of my parents' death, it was also a nice dream, because I remembered how I was comforted, by Levi - a side of him I hadn't seen much as a child. He was now known as humanity's strongest soldier, Lance Corporal Levi, that much I did know. I hadn't seen him since my parents' funeral, but why would I? I didn't like to show up at the streets when the Survey Corps returned from their exhibitions anymore, because it would remind me of the cruel day when my parents weren't among them anymore. The only few times I had run into Levi before my parents' death, was when my parents had meetings, and I accidentally interrupted the whole thing in the middle of the night, when I should be sleeping.

I remember how I thought that Levi looked really scary the very first time I saw him, and how my mom assured me that he wasn't a bad guy. I remember, how I had a hard time believing it. He didn't have the most heartwarming face, though.

"Aish…"

I took a deep breath as I forced myself back to reality, out of my thoughts.

I didn't have time for that now. I had to focus, even though it was quite difficult. We were in the middle of the training field, getting lectures in hand-to-hand combat.

I inhaled.

I exhaled.

I opened my eyes once again, and found myself back in the real world, standing a few meters away from my adoptive sister.

Then Joon charged against me, a wooden knife in her hand directed towards my chest area, creating the scene of a stabber and a victim, just as we had been told to do today. However, I quickly grabbed her hand, as soon as she came within reach, and kicked her legs away under her, making her fall on the ground, the knife now in my hand.

Joon groaned in pain, a frustrated look on her face as she looked up at me, "Rin! How can you be so good at hand-to-hand combat?! I don't get it!" she exclaimed as she rolled onto her stomach and then got back on her legs again, facing me.

"Because I've practiced it, Joon," I sighed slightly. Joon just pouted at me. This was the seventh time in a row that I had easily won one of our small fights.

"But I've trained as well! Why ain't I becoming better?!" Joon protested. It was true. She hadn't really improved her hand-to-hand combat skills much the last couple of days. Maybe I was just overreacting, considering that this was only the fifth day of three years of training, but I was still worried. If Joon couldn't keep up, then she might not be able to make it, even though hand-to-hand combat wasn't anything important. No one really cared much about hand-to-hand combat, because it wasn't anything we would be using against the titans anyway.

"You haven't improved, because your older sister is a nature talent when it comes to combat," a voice from behind me and Joon said, and we both froze completely in place as we looked around to face Keith Shadis. I gulped, dropping the wooden knife to the ground in surprise.

"W-What do you mean, sir?" I carefully asked, as the instructor sent me a serious glare. A small shiver ran down my spine, sending chills through my body. A small part of me were slightly frightened by him, because he could seem so evil at times, though he hadn't really done anything I would consider "evil".

"It's in your genes, I believe," he simply said and I immediately shut up as my eyes grew wide.

I had just been caught, hadn't I? He knew about my genes, didn't he? He knew that I had lied about my last name… Was I in trouble now?

However, he didn't mention it again. He just looked at my sister.

"Joon McClane, your new partner is over there," he motioned for my sister to go to some other girl, standing a bit away, looking just as confused and puzzled as Joon did, though she didn't seem to actually want to do this hand-to-hand combat anymore. This meant, that… I was getting a new partner who wasn't Joon? Great…

Joon quickly looked at me with an apologizing look, as if she felt it was her fault for not being able to be my partner anymore.

"I'll see you at lunch," she said before doing as she was told, and headed towards her new partner.

For a short moment I felt alone, but I then looked up at Keith Shadis. I opened my mouth, but didn't get to ask him anything before I was interrupted. It was almost as if he knew what I was about to ask.

"Your partner has already begun the training session. Never be off-guard, future cadet," Keith Shadis said with a small grin, before turning away, leaving me utterly confused about the whole situation as I was still alone. With no partner?

I blinked a few times in confusion as I looked to my left, then to my right.

My partner had already… Begun? What did he mean by that?

"Wha-…" Just as I was about to say something, I heard someone charging towards me from behind, and I immediately understood what the instructor meant, and as soon as I turned around to face my new partner, and attacker, I grabbed his jacket by the neck and sleeve, and threw him easily over my hip, without blinking. I immediately bent down to press one of my knees against his throat, keeping him from struggling against my hold without feeling pain.

A painful groan finally left his lips, so I removed my knee from his throat, making him able to breathe as he looked up at me. He opened his eyes.

And then I froze completely as I saw them.

Lying there, under me, with just as wide, surprised eyes as I had.

His eyes were gray-greenish and big. His hair dark brown as it framed his face just perfectly. His skin was white and perfect, without a single scar.

He seemed so familiar…

His eyes were the same, but he had grown so much, I could barely recognize him at first.

"… Eren?" I suddenly said, raising an eyebrow as I wasn't quite sure whether it was really him or not, "Eren Jaeger?"

"R-Rin?" he asked, just as unsure as I.

I couldn't help but laugh just then.

It was Eren, someone I hadn't seen for such a long time. I used to play with Eren when we were kids, and he was one of the boys that my father glared at whenever he came to visit. Eren was there for me when my parents died. He did his very best to comfort me, even though it was difficult. Losing both of your parents at the same time was hard. Mikasa, Eren's adoptive sister, had experienced the same thing, apart from the fact that she even witnessed it when her parents died.

The day when the Colossal Titan appeared and the wall was breached, Eren was the one to get me on my feet and make me run, as we fled from the titans, while my grandparents were being eaten.

If it wasn't for Eren, I would be dead by now.

"It's great to see you, Eren, really," I smiled at him, feeling a small, tickling feeling inside of my chest.

My happiness.

"I was wondering whether you had joined the military or not, actually," he smiled at me, "But I'm glad to see that you did."

"Yeah, same goes for you," I said, feeling a few tears being gathered at the corners of my eyes. I then pulled the taller boy into a hug, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, just as I used to when we were kids - the only difference being that he was a lot taller than me now. I rested my head against his, now very broad, shoulder, with a smile on my lips. I could hear a small chuckle from his throat as he hugged me back.

"When I saw your hair, I thought that it was you, but I couldn't really believe it myself," Eren said, his voice sounding just as happy as I were. I was glad, that even though Eren had been through so many hard times, he was still able to be happy.

But I guess the same went for me, somehow.


	6. Chapter 4: Time Passing By

Time passed by way too fast…

Since I met Eren, the day during the hand-to-hand combat training, I had opened up just slightly more. He had even convinced me to eat inside the dining hall with the rest of the future cadets, which is how I ended up making more friends. I already knew Marco, and Jean a little bit - though Jean and Eren didn't seem to like each other very much, I found it amusing how they could pretty much get into a discussion or fight just about over anything, and sometimes it would have to be me to separate them if they didn't want to get punished by Keith Shadis and have to run a hundred laps.

Mikasa, Eren's adoptive sister, was there as well. She didn't say much, but when she did, it was always something important, clever or the like - which is kinda what made her an opposite to Joon, since my sister often talked nonsense, but I guess that's what made me love her even more by every day.

Armin, another guy I knew just a little bit from my childhood, had actually decided to join the military too - which was quite surprising, since he was in no shape to become a soldier, but who were I to blame? The same went for Joon…

Apart from my Childhood friends, and Marco and Jean, I also met other people, such as the food-loving Sasha Blouse, the bossy, sly Ymir - who apparently had a soft spot for some people. Krista Lenz, who is like a short, tiny angel in disguise - and I love her for being so short and kind. I remember how she helped me during a mission, when I bruised my leg pretty badly, clumsy as I could be.

For the guys at the training corps, I now knew Thomas Wagner, who seemed a bit cowardly when it came to talking about titans, Reiner Braun and Bertolt Hoover were some guys that I still didn't know that well, considering that I found them a bit too straightforward when it came to a lot of different things… Especially Reiner liked to brag about his muscles to us girls, mostly me, Mikasa and Joon - sometimes Krista too, but Ymir would immediately be there to save her - and leave the rest of us behind.

There was a girl, that I really wanted to get to know as well… Her name was Annie, but she didn't seem to speak much to anyone around her - but she seemed really cool and good at pretty much everything.

I remember the very first time I was introduced to the other future cadets that Eren knew. I was shy, like I usually was around people when I first met them. Ymir thought that I was adorable - though not as adorable as Krista. I didn't really know how to take that, so I just smiled. I got to talk to Jean a little more than last time, but his face was still completely red when I spoke to him - I usually didn't have that effect on guys, so I was somehow flattered. He seemed like a sweet guy, though he was a bit full of himself - he wanted to become a soldier in the Military Police Brigade, so that he could live in safety - apart from Marco, who wanted to join because he thought it was an honor to serve the King.

I liked Marco a lot.

I think he was one of my closest friends, apart from Eren and Joon.

During the second year of the training, when I started knowing pretty much every single cadet, and I had gotten in a good shape, I once woke up in the middle of the night because of a horrible nightmare. I remember screaming something as my body twisted itself in my sleep. The other girls told me that I had been yelling weird words that none of them really understood - though the most of the girls were getting quite annoyed with my constant nightmares. I would wake up, screaming, at least once a week, and it sucks when you share a room with a lot of other people, because everyone starts hating you somehow.

"I-I'm sorry, again," I muttered quietly as a few girls stood around my bed. The sweat was dripping from my forehead while I panted from the screaming and crying.

"Dear God, Rin… Your nightmares really sound horrible," one of the girls in the dorm sighed before she tried to lie down again to get some more sleep. I gulped as I looked down.

"Yeah, are you sure you don't need a therapist or something? That might help, you know," another girl, who stood by my bed, said. I just kept looking down while I shook my head.

"Therapists don't help on this, I've already tried so many times when I was younger…" I muttered quietly, before apologizing a hundred times to all the girls in the dorm. They just smiled sleepily at me while they told me that it was no big deal, but I knew it was. I knew how annoying it must have been to share a dorm with me - the screaming girl.

My cheeks were still soaked in tears, my throat hoarse and sore. I felt so guilty for waking everyone up, so I decided that I would let them all sleep in peace and quiet, while I went for a small walk. I put on my over-sized, thick sweater on top of my sleepwear before I walked outside. I sneaked my way through the dorm, though I was sure no one had already fallen asleep again, since I could feel all their eyes on me.

I was feeling too hot to be able to sleep anyway, so I might as well enjoy the chilly night.

It was fall, but I wouldn't freeze in my sweater.

The sky was completely clear, which meant that I could see all the stars that night. Even though it was a fall night, it wasn't windy outside at all. It was chilly, but nice. I liked chilly weather a lot more than hot weather, I found it cozy somehow.

What I didn't realize, was that as soon as I stepped outside, I had apparently been accompanied by another girl from my dorm. She walked up next to me, and I froze just slightly as I saw who it was. Even though it was dark outside, I could see her high pigtails clearly. Her hair was slightly curly, shoulder length, and red. Her eyes were throwing daggers at me with their green, cold glare as she crossed her arms over her chest - which was way bigger than mine, not that I was jealous in any way, not at all… I didn't mind being a little flat-chested…

"What's with those nightmares you're having, kid?" she spat out at me. I hadn't talked a lot to her before, but I knew what her name was. Her name was Clare Kingston, daughter of one of the richest families around these parts. I had literally no idea why she would even join the military, since her family lived in the inner walls, in safety from the titans outside. Her family had more than enough money in their business to feed her and her children for the rest of their lives - everyone knew about the Kingston's business, they built and sold ships and boats to the richer people, even the King was one of their customers.

Not everyone lived such easy lives.

"Well, it's not like I can control it, you know…" I muttered quietly, my eyes searching away in order to avoid her glare, so I just looked towards the starry sky once again.

"I heard what you were saying in your dream," she said in a low voice, and I could feel how the hairs in my nape rose, as my body froze in place, though I tried to pretend that I didn't know what she meant.

Lately I had remembered what I had been dreaming, and I didn't wish for anyone else to know.

Since I had been dreaming of my parents' funeral, I had been dreaming about my parents, my childhood, Erwin Smith and Levi, those two soldiers that my parents used to know quite well - though Levi never let anyone get to know him very well.

"I think you should quit it, kid. Go home and play with your dollies," she said, calling me by that word again. "Kid". Maybe she was older than me, but that gave her no right to speak to me like that. I had turned seventeen at that time, which meant I was almost grown up.

"What is it that you want me to quit?" I asked as I turned to look at her, with a cold glare in my eyes, "You want me to quit my desire to fight titans? You want me to give up on helping the humanity by fighting its biggest enemy? Sorry, ma'am, but that's not an option." My tone had changed into a way I rarely spoke to anyone else. My voice was cold, emotionless, even if my heart was beating rapidly against the inside of my chest, as if it was going to burst through at any moment. "I'm going to join the Survey Corps, no matter what you mean about it."

"Oh, but kid…" Clare grinned at me, "Don't you know that by far the most soldiers _die_ in the Survey Corps? You'll just be another side dish to the titans."

"We'll see about that," I muttered, still avoiding her glare. I had been told by Keith Shadis that I was one of the best cadets, so I had no intentions of letting someone like Clare get to me. This wasn't third grade of school, just like she made it seem.

"You have been dreaming about the Lance Corporal, haven't you? I heard you whispering his name in your sleep, what's wrong with you?" she clicked her tongue at me, rolling her eyes, "That's kinda disgusting, you know? Are you some kind of creep who adores him? You're just a fucking kid, as if he'd ever even look your way."

Look my way?

Why would I even want him to _look my way?_

She was suddenly making stuff up. Did she actually think, that I had a thing for the Lance Corporal? She didn't know my past, my story. She knew nothing about me, but my first name and my adoptive family's last name. She had no right to say those things to me. She didn't know…

I was pretty sure that she was the one who had something for the Lance Corporal and suddenly just seemed overprotective, though I doubted that she actually knew him - no one did.

A deep sigh left my lips as I looked away from her, into the dark night once again.

"You can assume what you want, I can't do anything about that," I said, before I walked off the veranda. I had just decided to take a small walk, mostly so that I could get away from her.

"As if Levi would even like a fucking kid!" I heard her exclaim behind me.

Why would I bother about that?

Did she think that her words actually hurt me in any way?

I owed the Lance Corporal my thanks for what he did at my parents' funeral, nothing more.

I just didn't reply her.

My heart started beating faster for some odd reason, just as I walked out into the night.

My fears rising up inside of me, as the darkness swallowed me.

That was my very first conversation with a girl who I didn't know. Clare Kingston. I had noticed how she barely spoke to anyone. She was probably about five, maybe six, years older than me, which would make her one of the oldest cadets. I didn't quite understand what her problem was with me? So what if she might have heard me whispering Levi's name in my sleep? I had often been dreaming of my parents' funeral, where Levi was the one who helped me.

It's not like he meant anything else to me.

I had actually always thought that he was scary, somehow. The was that he could frown, and never smile.

The way he would always be cold, and have the same monotone tone of voice.

And yet, he was stronger than anyone in the whole military.

Maybe his ability to remain emotionless was one of the things that made him so incredibly strong?

_You have to throw away your humanity in order to defeat inhumane creatures._

I sighed, wrapping my arms around myself as I walked around the training grounds outside. I was completely alone around here, apart from the few people who stood guard. I wasn't even allowed to walk outside the dorm at this time, but I honestly didn't care much about that. I just wanted to be by myself, just like I hadn't been able to lately.

It was starting to become a little bit colder, but I didn't want to go back to the dorm just yet. I didn't want to be anywhere near Clare right now. I was afraid that she would find something else to say to me, that might hurt me even more.

Maybe I was cold towards her.

But it still hurt, the way she told me that Lance Corporal Levi, one of the few people out there who I actually trusted just a little bit, would never even care about a little kid like me.

And now, I was here. Alone in the cold darkness, one of my greatest fears.

Darkness.

"It's okay, it doesn't bother me at all," I muttered quietly to myself, trying to force my own fear to go away.

"What doesn't bother you, Rin?" a voice said, and I literally screamed a loud "Kyaa~!" and jumped half a meter in the air in surprise! I quickly turned around, now facing a tall figure, standing just about five meters away from me, fully dressed in the military uniform and the 3DMG - it was someone who had guard duty. I could barely see his face because of the darkness, but just the height and the freckles on his cheeks gave him away.

And of course - his kind voice.

"H-Holy titan shit, you scared the crap out of me, Marco!" I exclaimed, my heart still racing fast from the shock.

"… But? Titans don't digest, Rin… How can they shit?" Marco just said, tilting his head slightly to the side - at that time I felt like choking him, just a little tiny bit, perhaps.

"I'm sorry, Rin," he said with his kind, laughing voice, an apologetic smile on his lips, "What are you doing out he-… Are you crying?" His soft, kind voice suddenly turned a little bit more serious, as he had apparently seen my slightly wet cheeks, though it was dark - how could he tell?

"It's nothing, I think it's just because I'm freezing out here, it's so cold," I said, a small smile on my lips, but the smile disappeared slightly as Marco walked up to me, studying my face with a worried look on his face.

"Hey, wanna talk? I'm just supposed to stand guard anyway, I have time to listen," he said. At first I just wanted to shake my head and go back to the dorm to get some more rest, but then I thought, that… I'd rather stay up a little bit more. Marco was a nice guy, so I wouldn't mind telling him a little bit of my story - not everything, of course, but just a little bit. I knew that I could trust him.

"Okay, let's find somewhere to sit," I said, and so we did. We sat down close to Marco's post, where he had to sit during the whole night, watching and making sure that no one walked in on this territory. He gave me an extra blanket, that he had been given to the cold nights outside, so I just thanked him and wrapped it around myself just before I started telling him my story.

I-… Didn't want to tell him everything.

But I did.

I let it all out.

I told him who I was. I told him my real last name, and he immediately knew who my parents were, when they still lived. He knew that my mother was one of the greatest commanders in the Survey Corps, and he now knew why I wanted to join so badly. I smiled a little bit at him and gave him a nod. Then I continued, and told him about their deaths, the funeral, the Lance Corporal, my dreams and nightmares… I told him about my grandparents' death, and how everyone I cared for and loved, just died and left me behind. I told him, how I had sometimes wondered why I even existed - why I couldn't just be titan fodder, and be reunited with my family, and if anyone even would care about me if I went missing on a mission outside the walls.

Eventually as I told him about my thoughts of just giving up and dying, a few tears started falling down my cheeks, soaking them once more. Marco quickly reacted to that, and wrapped an arm around me as he sat next to me, giving me a small comforting hug.

"Don't speak nonsense, of course I lot of people would care if you were suddenly gone, alright?" Marco said to me, looking at me with a hurt expression on his face.

"I have sometimes thought about… Just jumping into the harbor. I've thought about how it would feel to be swallowed by the water, what it's like the few seconds before you die, and if my mom and dad would be waiting for me with open arms…" My voice slowly turned into a sob, and I eventually started crying for real, the tears just kept coming while Marco did his very best for comfort me.

"Hey, Rin… Rin, relax," he said while he stroked my back carefully, pulling me a bit closer to him, "We're a lot of people who would care if you left, you know?"

"Oh really…?" I sobbed with a slightly sarcastic tone in my voice, "Who?"

"Well… Eren and Joon are two of your best friends, right? Then there's Mikasa, Armin, Jean, and everyone else here in the training corps," Marco said, a small sigh leaving his lips, "I would be really sad, too, you know? If you went missing someday, and I'm sure we would everyone look for you - We're like your family now, Rin."

"… My family?" I muttered quietly just as more tears started running down my cheeks. I could feel how my body slowly grew warmer by Marco's words and a small smile appeared on my lips - a smile I couldn't hold back.

"Marco?" I asked after a few seconds of silence while I wiped my tears away in the blanket.

"Yes, Rin-chan?" he smiled at me as I looked at him.

"Will you please be my older brother, then?"

Marco started grinning as he hugged me close once again, "Of course, Rin-chan."

Author note:

In my fanfiction, I would like to tell you all that I've added about 5 years to the age of any of the cadets of the 104th training squad, meaning that in the year of 850, Eren will actually be 20, Mikasa 19, Jean 20, etc., which is why Marco would be an "older brother" for Rin, who is 17 years old in this chapter…

Sorry if this caused any confusion~ Hope you enjoy the fanfiction!


	7. Chapter 5: Bonding

A few months later, Marco still hadn't told anyone about my true identity. I still wondered whether it was a good or bad thing, that I had actually told him about it, but I figured that he was thankful for my trust, and since he hadn't revealed my secret to anyone yet, it wouldn't exactly be a bad thing. Marco was the only one who knew my identity, apart from Joon, Eren, Mikasa and possibly Armin - I wasn't actually completely sure whether Armin knew it or not, since I didn't know him as well as I knew Eren and Mikasa as a child. It's not like I used to hang out with them all the time, I usually just hung out with Eren and Mikasa whenever Dr. Jaeger came to visit my grandparents.

"Shit," I heard someone swear as I looked around. I was sitting outside the dining hall by myself. It was the middle of the day, but we had no schedule at this time, so I just sat by myself and relaxed, but I was eventually forced out of my thoughts as I heard someone swear. I realized that it was Annie Leonhart, the girl who I hadn't spoken much with. She was just walking past me, trying to fix her hair as it seemed that she had just woken up, even though it was nearly midday - I guessed that she had been skipping the training lessons again, but it's not like I wanted to bother.

The reason that she had been swearing, was because her hair band just broke, leaving her hair down, even though she usually had her hair tied back. She seemed incredibly pissed, so I hesitated a little bit before I got up from my place to walk up to her, untying my long, braided hair on my way. She finally saw me, just as I stood two meter away from her and handed her my hair band.

"Here, you can have this," I said with a small smile on my lips, though I still seemed a bit hesitant, because I didn't know her that well. I just knew that she was incredible at fighting, and had amazing skills at pretty much everything - but socializing. She didn't speak with many people, just like me at the start of the three years of training.

"It doesn't matter, I'll just go with my hair down," she said and looked away from me, declining my offer.

"Well, it's not poisonous or anything if you think that," I muttered, a small pout on my lips. She looked at me again for a few seconds without saying anything before she clicked her tongue and accepted the offer of my hairband.

"Thanks, anyway," she said as she tied her hair back once again, as usual, letting her bangs be, even though some of them covered her right eye just slightly.

"Even though I think you need it more than me," she said as she looked at my long, white hair, which was now hanging loose and easily would get in the way. I just shrugged my shoulders a bit, with a small smile on my lips.

"I can just go find something else to tie it with, it's not big deal, really," I assured her.

"Good, I don't like the thought of causing someone else to get hurt because they have their too long hair getting in the way," she muttered, and I didn't really know whether or not to take that as an insult because of my long hair… She was right though. The most girls in the military had short hair, even Mikasa had her hair cut shoulder-lenght. I should probably do that too, but I just liked my hair a little bit too much to cut it short.

Annie looked at me, studied my face for a few seconds before she opened her mouth once again.

"You're that girl who always wakes up in the middle of the night, screaming… Aren't you?" she asked, and my already very low self esteem hit the ground.

"Y-Yeah, that's me…" I muttered quietly, looking a little bit away as my cheeks grew a bit red in embarrassment.

"Huh… Must be horrible for you to wake up every night because of some memories stuck in your head," she said with the same monotone voice as she had used during our short conversation. It surprised me a bit that she didn't comment on how stupid I was to still have nightmares in the age of seventeen, just like some of the other girls said.

"Oh… Have you tried the same thing, or?" I asked carefully, not really looking at Annie as I asked her.

"Not really, but I can imagine how it feels, I guess," she said, not looking at me either, "I just think it must be a pain, that some girls bug you with it, that's all."

"It's not that bad, really," I said quietly, forcing a small smile on my lips as I looked at her - she looked back at me with the same, serious expression on her face as always.

"Not that it's any of my business, but that Clare girl… She seems to dislike you for some reason, right?" Annie asked and I gulped quietly, though I'm sure she noticed how tense I suddenly got. I forced myself to look away from her serious glare, feeling judged really hard all of a sudden.

"That's-… Just because she thinks there's someone I like, or something… Though it's nothing like that at all," I muttered quietly, not really wanting to tell Annie too much about the whole thing, since it was quite personal, really, and I didn't even know her that well. Besides, if I told her about my dreams, and what my dreams were about, what would her reaction be? I guess I could never be sure.

"Tch…" Annie rolled her eyes just slightly as she looked away, "People shouldn't be judged for liking someone, even if it's one way or another that you like this person… It's none of her business anyway… Thanks for the hair band, by the way, I owe you," Annie said, not really loud, just before she walked off, continuing towards the direction she was headed before I stopped her.

"… You're actually really kind, Annie," I suddenly blurted out just as she had taken two steps away. She froze immediately and looked back at me with a quite surprised expression on her always so serious face. I just smiled a little bit, before I decided to walk off as well. It might have been a bit strange for her to suddenly speak to me like that, since we barely knew each other's names. We were kinda like strangers, I guess.

But she still seemed really nice.

I wish I was better at making friends, then I might have been able to become great friends with her - but she seemed to keep her distance when it came to other people and relationships.

Just like I used to…

After this very short conversation with Annie, I didn't speak to her much. It's not like I got to know her or anything, but she certainly didn't mind speaking with me. She didn't avoid me, like she avoided other people, and we could sometimes have small-talks, but it wasn't anything deep. However, people did comment on my relationship with her, because apparently I spoke more with her than most people in the training corps.

Armin, Eren and I were pretty much the only people who spoke with her.

At the start of the third year of training, I remember that we were on a mission, somewhere out in the wilderness inside of Wall Maria. We were being trained in surviving in the wild, meaning sleeping under the stars, finding food, and all what goes under the category of "survival". We had been provided with 3DMG, and the permission to use it if necessary, just like on a real mission outside.

I was on the same team as Sasha, Marco, Jean, Joon and a bunch of other people whom I didn't really know that well. It was five other guys, who seemed to be quite close - and they had that shitty attitude that I really hated, thinking that they owned the whole place, though they didn't. They probably wanted to make it into the Military Police Brigade, but they didn't have what it took when it came to intelligence.

Maybe they had the muscle, but they lacked everything else.

Even Jean was shaper than them.

Though Jean wasn't the sharpest, he was a great leader, which was why he was chosen as the team leader for this mission by Keith Shadis - something that the five other guys didn't appreciate, because they didn't think Jean would be able to handle such pressure.

Marco and I backed Jean up fully, because we knew that he was a great leader, though he still had a bit too high thoughts about himself…

We had been riding on our horses all day, outside in the mountains inside of Wall Maria, when we had finally found a place to settle down for the night, since it had gotten quite dark all of a sudden. It was tough, riding in the mountains. The sun had been burning all day, which had caused our ration of water to become very low very quickly… Which might be a problem…

Marco and Jean had somehow succeeded in making a campfire, while Sasha had been sent hunting for some food - she had been talking about food all day, so now she could finally have it her way.

"How's the campfire?" I asked as I came walking up to Marco and Jean, carrying a bunch of sleeping mats for the night in my arms - Joon by my side, carrying just as many as me. We didn't have anything to make tents with, because we had to be able to pack our stuff quickly, in case there would be some kind of danger showing up - like titans, though there wouldn't be any titans inside of Wall Maria, but it was still a training for a mission outside the walls, which some of the people on my team found stupid, because they wouldn't apply for the Survey Corps anyway.

"It's fine, but we will need a bit more wood soon," Marco said and I looked at the tiny pile of wood next to the campfire.

"Oh-… I see," I sighed quietly and Jean quickly got up.

"Rin-chan, let me help you with that," he insisted, taking the huge bunch of sleeping mats from my arms as he smiled at me. It's funny, because I didn't really need any help, yet he still helped me instead of helping Joon, who was way clumsier and was struggling with her own bunch of sleeping mats.

"Jean, stop helping the girls, focus on the campfire," a voice suddenly said and I turned my head to look at the direction of the sound - it was one of those five guys, who I didn't really know that well. He was tall - just as tall as Jean - and he had this cocky expression on his face. His hair was dark brown and pulled back in a tiny ponytail.

"Why not help a girl in need, huh?" Jean spat at him while I just mentally facepalmed - i wasn't really in need, but Joon was.

"It's a woman's job to settle the bed, while the men do the more dangerous work, such as making a campfire, and hunt for food," the guy said, the four other guys seeming to agree as they all nodded in unison.

"And yet, Sasha's the one who went hunting," I sarcastically said, rolling my eyes at them as I just shook their words off. Male chauvinists…

"Know your place, bitch," the guy spat at me, "Don't speak unless you're spoken to."

"Oh?" I replied, raising an eyebrow at the guy as I could feel the anger burning inside of me all of a sudden. I held it back, though. I didn't want to get into a fight with someone like that. I didn't want to go down on his level.

I was told that his name was Michael.

"Rin, just forget about those jerks," Joon sighed as she rolled her eyes, "They're not worth the time - now will you maybe help me with these sleeping mats?"

A small smile appeared on my lips as I had completely forgotten about my sis' struggle with the sleeping mats. "Here, let me help you…" I said, taking about half of the sleeping mats from her arms as I helped her settling the sleeping places - Jean lent us a hand too. He wasn't that nervous around me anymore, which was nice. His face wasn't completely red - or at least not all the time, though his face became like a tomato whenever I was too close to him, or asked him a favor or anything like that.

Jean was a really nice guy.

Soon, Sasha would return with some food - and she did. She came back with a whole deer and she immediately began cooking it while the rest of us just waited patiently for something to eat. We were all starving, since we had only been eating a bit of bread all day while riding. Joon was almost drooling, and I was close to joining her.

"Sasha, hurry up~…" I sang, my stomach growling at the incredible smell of food.

"I'm cooking as fast as I can, Rin," Sasha replied.

"We're about to lose Joon…" I muttered as I watched my sister, collapsed on the ground from hunger.

"I-I'm hurrying!" Sasha exclaimed.

"We should get food first, though," I heard Michael say. I just ignored him, I didn't even want to speak to him, I just wanted to get this mission done with, so I could get back to my own, warm bed. So I just sat with my knife and fork in each hand, watching Sasha closely while she finished the meal.

"I mean, you pricks are all gonna end up as titan fodder in the Survey Corps anyway," Michael then added, and my fork literally bent ninety degrees within my palm as I tried to fight the anger inside of me.

"Survey Corps, that's for all the people who can't make it anywhere," another guy said with a small laugh in his voice.

"They can't even make it to the Garrison!" a third guy said.

"Have you seen how they die outside those walls? I'm surprised that the short one even make it back every time," Michael said - and now my knife had been bent inside my other hand just as much as my fork - they were made of metal, by the way.

"The short one?" one of the guys said, looking at Michael.

"Yeah, you know, that guy that claims to be the strongest warrior, yet he's almost like a fucking dwarf. He's probably a pipsqueak, claiming to be someone big," Michael laughed, "He'll probably die outside those walls very soon-…"

That was the very first time I had ever planted a fist in the middle of the face of another person - and Michael immediately flew ten meters back before landing on the hard ground under him, his whole face now red and bruised as he had gone completely silent, my fist still in the mid air.

His cocky friends had gone silent as well as they looked at me with wide eyes and frightened expressions on their faces.

"Don't you fucking dare talking about Levi heichou like that ever again… Next time I swear to God, I will kill you."

I remember the terrified looks on my friends' faces, though Marco and Joon just smiled at me, knowing me a bit too well - since they knew about my dreams and my past, and what Levi meant to me.

The five guys, however, just thought that I had a huge crush on Levi, just as Clare thought.

I had to tell Jean and Sasha about the whole thing in order to calm them down, since I didn't want them to get the wrong idea or anything, so suddenly they knew about my past as well - great, the more the merrier…

I was later on to receive a huge scolding my Keith Shadis when the mission was over - this just ended with him patting my shoulder in approval, since he was the former commander of the Survey Corps.

Haha! In your faces, bitches! No scolding for me!


	8. Chapter 6: The Accident

_I was sitting by myself in a field on a sunny day. The whole ground was covered in while daisies as far as I could see. It looked like a beautiful, clean blanket of pure snow. It was barely two years after my parents' death, year 840. I remember it clearly, because it was one of my few, happy moments from my childhood. The reason that I was sitting by myself, on a silent, peaceful summer day - a day when I could have been having fun with Eren and the others - was that I enjoyed something that boys wouldn't be able to understand. I enjoyed collection flowers, making flower crowns. There wasn't many flowers in Shiganshina, so I often found myself alone, just inside of Wall Maria._

"_Just two more flowers," I mumbled quietly to myself as I picked the last two daisies to finish my flower crown, a small smile on my lips. Even if I still was inside of a wall, it felt as if I was free, as if I was out in the open. The breeze, which played with my hair, felt relaxing, calm. I often wondered if it was the same breeze as the one outside of Wall Maria - the breeze that my parents had felt on their journeys outside, before they lost their lives to a titan. _

_I still missed my parents a lot, but I had slowly moved on, though I still caught myself talking, as if my mom was still around me. I caught myself talking to myself, or the sky, because I knew that she was looking down on me, taking care of me from above. I missed my mom, and my dad, at most when it was my birthday…_

"_Rin-chan!" I suddenly heard someone call. The voice belonged to a man, that much I could hear - though it was very familiar as well. I quickly looked up, my lips turning into a huge smile as he came closer. His ever so tall figure walking towards my direction. His golden hair almost shining in the burning morning sun. _

"_Good morning," I said, grinning slightly as I continued to finish my flower crown, humming lightly. _

"_What are you doing out here all by yourself?" he then asked as he sat down right next to me, in the middle of the white flower field. I knew why he was here - he'd been checking up on me for the last two years, since my parents died. My grandparents told me that he feeld guilty, because he was with them at the time, but was unable to save them._

_I didn't hate him for being unable to save my parents, though. _

_I didn't blame him one bit. _

_But he still felt guilty for some reason._

"_Look! It's all done!" I said with a wide smile, showing him my white flower crown. He smiled at me, looking at the way too big flower crown. Though it looked quite perfect, if I may say so myself, it was too big for a girl on my size…_

"_It looks great! Your mother has really taught you so many things, huh?" he said, a small laughter hidden somewhere in his voice._

"_Thank you, sir!" I smiled at him just before I got up, holding the flower crown just above his head, "I think it'll fit you," I insisted before letting the flower crown drop on his head, landing in his hair as it fit just perfectly around his head. He started laughing, with his charismatic voice. _

_Be both laughed. _

_It was funny, though. _

_It was funny, how two people, who both had suffered such sadness, could be happy, and laugh - even together. This was one of the many times, when he would come to check up on how I was doing, when he wasn't away on missions - though as soon as he became the 13th commander, just after the breaching of Wall Maria, he stopped visiting…_

_I guess he became too busy, but that was okay. _

_I guess, somehow, Erwin Smith was the closest I was to having a family, once my grandparents were dead as well, after the breach on Shiganshina and Wall Maria…_

It was now official - this would be our very last mission before we would graduate as cadets. Then I would finally be able to join the Survey Corps with my friends, and kill the titans for humanity. I would finally be able to walk in my parents' footsteps, I would finally be able to make them proud of me when they would look down on me. This way, I would be able to look my parents in the eyes, when the day would come and I would join them in Heaven.

The years had gone by very fast and I was happy that I had been able to do this. A lot of trainees had given up, but I kept on going, no matter how hard and impossible any situation might have seemed.

However, I seemed to be stressed right now, half an hour before we had to meet up for the next - and last - mission as trainees. I had been running around the training grounds for the last hour, panicking.

"Eren! Have you seen my 3DMG?!" I asked, running up to Eren who was on his way to our meet-up place. My voice was panting as I had been running around everywhere in order to find my gear - which I still hadn't. I usually kept it where I could always find it, but now it was gone! Keith Shadis was going to kill me if I didn't find it, since 3DMG was very expensive, and if someone from outside the training corps had stolen it, it would be catastrophic since they were not permitted to use it.

Oh, and I wouldn't be able to participate in the last mission either.

"Oh? No, I haven't, I'm sorry Rin," Eren replied with a worried look on his face, "Ask Armin, maybe he knows where it is."

"You should hurry, though," Mikasa, who stood by Eren's side, said to me, "People are starting to gather up for the last mission."

"I see," I sighed deeply before I kept running, looking for Armin now. He couldn't be too far away, since we were going to meet up here.

"Rin! Are you missing your 3DMG?" Armin suddenly yelled at me as he found me before I was able to find him. I stopped, and immediately looked at him like someone whose life had just been saved.

"Where did you find it!?" I exclaimed, still halfway panicking.

"Oh, Annie had it for some reason, that's all I know," he said with a small smile on his lips, "I guess she might've found it or something…" His voice didn't seem happy at all - he seemed to be suspicious for some odd reason, so I just thanked him a hundred times before I hurried to take the 3DMG and ran to the place we had to meet up for the last mission - Armin was just behind me.

I didn't have time to check up on my gear before the mission, though I always made check-ups before every mission. If Annie had it, I'm sure she might've found it, because I was good at losing my stuff from time to time - even stuff as huge as my 3DMG.

I was so excited, because after this day, I would have the chance to join the Survey Corps - finally! As long as nothing happened during the mission, of course…

"Today, cadets, you'll have your last chance of showing off your 3DMG skills in the forest, by killing titan dummies!" Keith Shadis announced in front of us all, just at the entrance to the forest which we usually practiced these kind of things in, "It's your last chance of getting on the Top-10 list of the best cadets this year, and hereby have the chance to join the Military Police Brigade."

A small sigh left my lips, of course it would be great to get on the top-10 list, but it's not like it mattered much to me, since I wouldn't be joining the Military Police Brigade anyway. I was all up for the Survey Corps. I hoped that Marco would make it to the top-10, though, since I knew how much it meant to him to serve the King.

"Alright?! Get going then!" Keith Shadis yelled as the start signal, and all of us cadets immediately rushed through the forest with our 3DMG - we all wanted to get some points for our skills so that we could make it to the Top-10, not that it mattered to some of us anyway.

I as rushing through the forest with my 3DMG, by myself, though I could still see some cadets a bit away between the trees. I was pretty sure Eren was about a hundred meters behind me somewhere, but I didn't have the time to check - I needed to stay focused on the targets ahead of me. The titan dummies weren't any threat, they were just wooden titans whose necks we'd have to slice - that's all.

"Good luck on your hunting, Rin-chan!" Marco said just as he passed me, maneuvering through the forests easily with his skills. I smiled at him.

"You too, Marco!" I called back.

It would be sad that I had to part ways with Marco, because he wouldn't be joining the Survey Corps. He would be serving under the King, as a part of the Military Police Brigade… I just knew, that he would make it.

I gasped. Suddenly, a shiver ran down my back as I could feel someone glaring at me, throwing daggers with their eyes. I immediately looked to the side and saw Clare, as the only cadet close by. Her eyes was cold as ice, her brows curled into an angry frown. She usually didn't look at me like she actually wanted to kill me - just like she did now. Was she still mad at me, for that stupid misunderstanding?

I knew that she hated me, but I hadn't spoken to her for a year, and Annie had made sure that she didn't get anywhere near me, like she was some kind of bodyguard.

Clare was still upset about Levi.

Though I didn't know him that well.

My heart suddenly stopped beating for a small second, as a gasp left my lips.

As I was in the middle of the air, swinging through the forest with my 3DMG, I could suddenly feel something which wasn't as it should be.

Something… Broke.

My 3DMG… Malfunctioned

The millisecond before it was too late, I exchanged a glare with Clare, her lips curled into a crude smile just as one of my wires broke with a loud "Snap" that echoed through the whole forest. The birds left their nests in the trees in panic.

My heart was beating rapidly against the inside of my chest, as I watched my other wire, afraid that it would break as well, and send me to my death, about fifty meters below me. I would hit the hard ground now, and then I would die, right? I would never be able to join the Survey Corps, or look my parents in the eyes when we would meet in Heaven.

However, my other wire didn't break.

Instead, it swung me to its side, letting me hit a tree pretty hard - causing me to fall to the ground, my back against the tree. My head hit the tree hard, letting a small, but loud, scream of pain leave my throat, freezing all the cadets within a hundred meters radius in fear, as my breath became slower and slower, my mouth being filled with my own blood.

I could feel, how I fell towards the ground, while my back slowed my fall just slightly, as it was still against the tree.

Everything happened so fast.

It suddenly felt as if I was under water, being unable to hear the noises around me clearly. They were all muffled.

As I finally hit the hard, merciless ground, I fell to my bloody, bruised back, another glimpse of pain shooting through my unmoving body.

At that time, I remember seeing red flares being shot towards the sky, telling the instructor that something bad had happened.

I remember someone calling my name - someone familiar. His gray-green eyes showed signs of panic, as they looked at me, on the edge of being filled with tears.

I remember that he told me to hang in there.

I couldn't move my body.

My whole body hurt, yet it was numb.

My spine stung.

The blood was dripping from my head and mouth, causing me to become all red in my own blood.

"Rin! Rin, hang in there! Rin!" Eren yelled at me before he shot yet another red flare towards the sky. Why was he panicking like that? I didn't even know…

Maybe it was because I slowly lost consciousness…

Author note:

A slightly short chapter, I apologize~! I hope you like it anyway!


	9. Chapter 7: The Day We Met

_Dizzy._

_I felt so dizzy, drowsy and… Weak._

_A stinging pain was being shot through my head and down my back from time to time. However, the feeling of the hot, red substance was gone - the blood was gone, but the pain was still there. _

_My eyes felt incredibly heavy, though I didn't seem sleepy, not at all. My limbs were completely numb, but I was somehow able to move them as I lay there. _

_In my bed._

_Back in my old house, where I lived with my parents. _

_I was in my old room, surrounded by darkness and all my toys which was sprawled out on the floor, making a mess as always. It was funny, how I was back in my old room, though I could barely remember what it looked like. I just sat there, in my white night gown - the one with the small, pink ribbon at the collar. My long, white hair was braided into two braids, hanging down over my shoulders. I remembered how my mom usually would braid my hair before I went to bed, because my thick, long hair always would become a complete mess in the morning otherwise. _

_That's when I realized, that I was just a child. _

_My nineteen years had been reduced to a merely six._

_I didn't quite understand what was going on. Was I dreaming? It somehow still felt as if I was awake, because of the way I could feel the pain in my head and down my back. Usually pain would make me wake up from a dream, but not this time._

_My eyes grew wide as I could suddenly hear some voices from somewhere in the house. It sounded like three different voices, all of them seeming familiar, and as I rolled onto my side, my eyes turning to look at the door, I could see the light from the hallway seeping in from under it. Though it was late, maybe even in the middle of the night, there was someone who was awake._

_I yawned a bit as my body somehow started moving on its own. _

_I sat up, letting my small feet touch the cold floor as I got out of bed. I slowly found my way through the crowded floor, pushing all the toys aside in order to get to the door. I clenched my eyes a bit shut as I opened the door and the light from the hallway hit my face._

_The voices became clearer. _

_I followed the sounds, feeling my small heart picking up its pace as I walked, because I could recognize those voices too well. Suddenly there was a small giggle - and my mind froze, though my body kept moving on its own, getting closer to the voices. _

"_Mike was a great help during this mission, I would like to remind you to thank him later as well, Commander," said one of the voices. It was the voice of a man - a voice I couldn't mistake. It was Erwin Smith. _

"_I'll make sure to keep that in the back of my head, Erwin," responded a female voice. The voice that made my body warm. I would cry if I could, but somehow… It didn't seem like this was a dream. It was like a scenery of my memories playing over in my head. I was unable to control my own body._

"_Oh? Rin, you're awake?" said the voice again, the voice that belonged to my mom, Lucy Knightwalker. As I emerged from the hallway, walking into our living room, I looked at her. She sat in one of the couches, her icy, blue eyes looking at me with a hint of worry. Her slightly short, white hair framed her spotless face perfectly - my mom was the most beautiful person I knew. _

"_Okaasan… I couldn't sleep… Where's Mittens?" I muttered sleepily as I rubbed one of my eyes - a yawn escaping my lips just before I looked around the living room. My dad was sitting next to my mom, smiling at me as he sighed a bit before he turned to look at my mom who got off the couch in order to look for Mittens for me - Mittens was my black stuffed toy cat, that I liked to have in my arms as I slept. It was a gift from my parents. _

_In the couch opposite my parents' sat Erwin Smith, waving at me with a smile as our eyes met, "Good evening, Rin-chan," he said, his voice as kind and warming as always. I smiled happily back at him, but my smile faded just slightly as I saw the person sitting next to him. His facial expression was slightly unamused, clearly not feeling that happy about being in this place. His black hair was styled in an undercut, his bangs casting a shadow that slightly hid his steel gray, cold eyes. His skin was slightly pale, and he seemed to be very short… Especially compared to Erwin who sat right next to him, making sure not to look away from him even for a second. He was clearly watching the other man, not seeming to trust him completely - the shorter man didn't even wear a uniform, so maybe he was to become a part of the Survey Corps at some point? _

_I wasn't completely sure, but…_

_That was the very first time I met Levi._

_Suddenly, my eyes started watering just slightly, my nose was running a little bit as I was on the edge of crying. "Uwaah… S-Scary…" I muttered quietly, a few tears running down my cheeks. _

"_R-… Rin-chan!" Erwin quickly blurted out as he got up and ran to my side, caring as always, like a caring uncle or something. He lifted me up in my arms, trying to comfort me, assuring me that Levi wasn't scary, and that he was someone to join the Survey Corps… "His name is Levi, he's a really strong soldier, so you don't have to be scared, alright?" Erwin assured me, his smile dazzling as always. _

"_He's… Strong?" I asked, looking over at Levi who just let out a "Tch" and looked away with his arms crossed over his chest. _

"… _But he's so short," I commented, which immediately made Levi glare even harder at me - if looks could kill, I would have been dead seven times by now. It was funny, though… Because as I grew up, I didn't become taller than Levi, though both of my parents were quite tall…_

_I remember how he glared at me with his cold eyes, which just made me cry even more as I was frightened by the stranger. _

"_What's going on in here?" my mom asked, raising an eyebrow at us as she returned with my black stuffed toy cat in her hand. _

"_Mittens!" I exclaimed, and Erwin immediately put me down as I ran towards my mom to get my stuffed toy. Mittens was a black, stuffed cat, with a slightly grumpy, yet cute, expression on its face - something that looked like a frown of some kind. I remember when first I got it, and my friends would comment on how grumpy it actually looked, though cats are supposed to be cute… _

_I loved Mittens, though. I didn't care about what the other children in the town meant about him, because he was only mine._

"_Oh, Mittens?" Erwin commented, laughing a bit at its slightly odd expression._

"_I think we've found Levi's spirit animal," my mom coughed, making me look up at her with confused eyes, though I got quite upset when they compared my lovely Mittens to that scary stranger. I didn't really want to admit it, but they did really look a lot alike, somehow. The way they both looked upset with a frown on their faces… Even Mitten's fur matched Levi's hair color, which just made it even funnier. _

_Yes, I am comparing my old, stuffed toy with humanity's strongest soldier. _

"_Okay then, back to bed with you, young lady!" my mom hummed, patting my back gently. _

"_Ah! Wait, Mittens wants to say goodnight!" I exclaimed quickly, just in order to be up a little bit longer. I was a night owl. _

"_Fine, but quickly," my mom chuckled. I replied her with a quick nod before I walked up to Erwin, who was sitting next to Levi again, in order to keep an eye on him - Levi was quite strong, and I remember how my adoptive father, who was the one who told me stories about Levi the most, telling me how he used to be an infamous, underground street thug._

"_Erwin, Mittens says goodnight!" I said with a wide smile on my lips. Erwin let a small laugh escape his lips. _

"_Goodnight, Mittens," he said, petting the stuffed toy. _

_That's when I looked to the side, looking at Levi who just stared with an odd expression on his face, thinking that the whole situation was quite… Awkward, for someone like Erwin, who had just 'captured' him not long ago. _

_Our eyes met, mine and Levi's, and I unconsciously pulled Mittens into my chest, as if I was afraid that Levi was planning on stealing him. I could feel my parents watching me, my parents that I've missed so much, though this 'me' did not know, that in about a year - my parents would be gone. _

"… _Mittens says goodnight to you, too," I muttered quietly, handing Mittens to Levi, who just looked at the cat with a pair of confused eyes, though he just let out a deep, annoyed sigh as he sorta just tried his best at holding back his frustration. _

"… _Goodnight, Mittens," he said, and that was the first time I heard his voice, which made my little child heart skip a beat - his voice was… Surprisingly warm, somehow still brave, strong and comforting. It was an odd combination, but that's what his voice sounded like. My parents were smiling at me and my ability to make even people like Levi play along, though he clearly wasn't the type to willingly do that. _

_A big smile appeared on my face. _

"_Thank you, Levi! You're not that scary anyway… Just like Mittens!"_

_That was when I could see a vein appearing on Levi's forehead, meaning that it was about time for me to flee while my parents and Erwin did their best at holding their laughter back. _

"_Remind me, that if we ever host a costume party for the Survey Corps… I have the perfect costume for Levi," my mom said, while she tried her hardest at not bursting into laughter as she kept a straight face. My mom was really bad at keeping a straight face, she was embarrassing as well… I really miss being by her side, I would have loved to have an embarrassing mom when I grew older… I would have loved how I should introduce her to my future boyfriend, and how she would start making me embarrassed at everything she told him…_

_It's sad that I'll never get to experience that…_

"_Rin-chan, it's time to go to bed," my mom said as I turned to look at her. _

"_Rin-chan…"_

_My drowsiness slowly faded…_

_My pain disappeared. _

_The scenery in front of me with my parents, Erwin and Levi disappeared, even though I did my best at trying to hold onto my mother's presence… I missed her too much to just let her go. I didn't want her to just stay as one of my memories of my past. _

_But I guess there's no way that could be changed…_

"Rin? Rin-chan?"

My head was spinning as I heard someone's voice… It was a voice I hadn't heard before, though it was the voice of a woman.

"Oh, are you awake yet?" the voice said again. I frowned slightly as the sunlight hit my face, making the woman next to me let out a small chuckle, "I guess that is a yes, then."

I moved one of my hands to cover just slightly for the sunlight as I opened my eyes to look around me.

I saw how I was in a completely different, though small, room. The walls were white, along with the curtains and the bed I was lying in. Next to the bed was a small table with a sunflower in a vase…

A sunflower, huh? What an odd choice…

This was the hospital, right? I hadn't been at the hospital before, but it seemed like it.

I realized how the most of my upper body was covered in bandages under my clothing which consisted of a white, knee-long skirt, and my fine, white shirt with big, lace sleeved which stopped at my elbows… I had a feeling that I had just been changed into my normal clothes a little while ago.

I had bandages around my forehead, neck, torso, shoulders and wrists, and a few scratches here and there. My body itself was still very weak… My mind seemed clouded as I tried to remember what happened, and what I was doing at the hospital…

"You were having a pretty bad crash while having your last exam, Rin-chan," said the woman next to my bed and I quickly turned my head to look at her, not really having noticed her presence until now. She was quite tall, had her brown hair collected in a high ponytail, and wore a pair of scientist glasses with an elastic band around her head, keeping her glasses from falling off.

My eyes widened as I saw the symbol on her brown uniform jacket… It was the Survey Corps' symbol.

"W-Who… Are you?" I stuttered slightly. Her eyes lightened up.

"Ah, of course… We haven't met before, I'm really sorry, Rin-chan," she almost hummed, "My name is Hanji Zoe, I'm a squad leader and scientist from the Survey Corps… Ah, you really look just like your mother! Your eyes, face and hair is completely the same!" she exclaimed with fascination as she eyed me up and down.

This woman knew my parents as well, it seemed. I relaxed a bit.

"E-Excuse me…?" I muttered quietly.

"Mmh?"

"Can you tell me… What happened? How long have I been here?" I asked carefully, as I sat up in the bed.

"Oh, well… We don't have much time, but to make a long story short… Your 3DMG was malfunctioning, causing you to crash against a tree… You've been here for roughly two days, but you've woken up surprisingly fast…" she started while I just sat and listened carefully to her.

"Two days…" I mumbled.

"Mmh! And while you were away, a lot of things happened in Trost… The other trainees of the 104th division were being stationed in Trost, when the titans breached the wall and invaded the district," she explained and I immediately tensed completely, my eyes growing wide as I looked at her in shock.

"We were able to, for the first time in history, reclaim the district from the titans…" she said, her eyes lowering a little bit, "Though we lost a lot of brave soldiers in the progress…"

My mind immediately wandered off, and I started thinking about my comrades, thinking about how many of them had died, of how many had survived. Joon? Eren? Mikasa… Armin… Marco, Jean… All of them. Were they alright, or gone for good? How many had the titans devoured?

"Rin-chan, don't cry! Alright?" Hanji said with a small, comforting smile, trying to cheer me up at least just a little bit. I hadn't realized that a tear was running down my cheek until she wiped it away.

"O-Oh, thanks…" I muttered, but suddenly there was a knock on the door and an unknown soldier from the Survey Corps entered.

"Oh, is it time?" Hanji asked before she turned to look at me with a small smile, "Rin-chan, we need your help, can you walk? Then please come along."

I blinked a few times in confusion as I slowly managed to sit on the bedside with my feet against the cold floor - my "dream" quickly flashing through in my mind as some kind of flashback. The sunflower on the table next to me looked at me from the corner of my eyes.

"H-Hanji-san… Who came with a flower for me?" I asked.

"Oh?" Hanji looked at the sunflower, then at me, "I don't know, it was here when I arrived."

"I see," I said quietly, smiling a bit by myself as I got on my feet, taking a few seconds to gain my balance after two days of being unconscious.

"Whoa, you've sure healed quick, Rin-chan," Hanji said, seeming very surprised.

"I-I'm ready… What is it that you needed my help to?" I asked, feeling a little bit uneasy at the situation. I really wanted to be a part of the Survey Corps, and now there were soldiers from the corps in my hospital room… I had been unconscious for two days, I literally knew close to nothing of what had happened these last two days…

I didn't even know whether I actually had passed the exam or not?!

Was I even fit to becoming a soldier, since I had a crash during the last exam?

Did I fail?

"Oh, well… I think it's best that you're not told the details," Hanji said as she got up on her feet as well, walking towards the door with me right behind her. "You'll learn everything eventually as we get there, I believe."

I was confused.

Where was Hanji taking me?

There was a silence as we walked for some time, and as we passed different people in the different hallways, I slowly realized…

As we stopped in front of a pair of quite large doors…

We were on our way to the courtroom.

A/N:

Rin is in for a huge surprise very soon... o 3o huehuehue~


	10. Chapter 8: Wounds and Tears

"H-Hanji… What are we doing in front of the entrance to the courtroom?" I asked as I immediately turned to look at Hanji who just adjusted her glasses as she cleared her throat.

"Well, we thought that you had the right to be a part of this trial, that is all," she explained, though I was still just left in confusion as my eyes grew wide without looking away from her.

"This… Trial? Wait, whose trial is this?" I quickly asked, demanding an answer, though I didn't really feel very intimidating as of my situation - I was still just wearing civil clothes, half of my upper body covered in bandages and bruises. I probably looked really silly and helpless. I was supposed to be a soldier by this evening, but I was pretty sure that it was all over, since I wasn't able to participate in the final exam… Now I would never be able to walk in my parents' footsteps.

"Oh, it's a boy called Eren Jaeger's trial… Do you know this boy? He's a part of the 104th trainee unit," Hanji said while looking at me as she tilted her head just slightly. I gulped, feeling my body shiver just a little bit as she said Eren's name - the worst kind of thoughts ran through my head as I thought about what Eren could have done in order to end up in a Military trial… He would never had deserted, that much I knew. He would never had killed another soldier either, or gone against orders…

But at least he was alive, right?

"Oh well, let's go get Eren, Mike!" Hanji hummed as she called some very tall, blonde man to her side, Hanji seemed surprisingly happy and excited to meet my childhood friend, Eren, for some reason. I didn't really want to question her too much, since she seemed a little bit scary at some points. Scary and perhaps a little bit crazy?

_No, very crazy. _

A heavy sigh left my lips as Hanji and Mike left me alone.

I tried to man up a little bit, though I couldn't help all the bruises on my body. I failed miserably, though I still decided to walk into the courtroom, where I was seated somewhere a bit away from the center of the room. A soldier from the Military Police escorted me to my seat, as he thought I was badly wounded though my pain was almost gone by that time.

It still hurt like shit when I sat down, though.

"Holy titan shit on Wall Maria," I muttered as I looked around in the courtroom, seeing how sculptures and paintings pretty much made out the walls and the ceiling, wondering if our taxes all went to make places like these fancy or…

The whole place was filled with people, civilians as well as soldiers, discussing back and forth about something I couldn't really hear. All I could see, was that there was a bunch of Military Police soldiers, including the commander, standing at one side of the courtroom. I didn't really wish to think too much about what they were doing in the courtroom at Eren's trial - heck I didn't even know what all this was about!

Opposite to the Military Police, standing at the other side of the courtroom, was the Survey Corps-…

My heart kinda stopped beating for a few seconds.

I swore that I could feel butterflies in my tummy as my eyes looked over the Survey Corps soldiers. My eyes froze at Erwin Smith and Levi, standing in the middle of the crowd. Erwin's hands were folded behind his back, while Levi's were crossed over his chest, as usual. Nothing had really changed there. Levi even had that same, cold expression on his face as he shot daggers with his glare towards the Military Police.

Yeah, I didn't really like the Military Police that much either…

"Mmh? Rin?" I suddenly heard someone a few people next to me say. I looked to the side and was met with two familiar faces - Armin and Mikasa. I smiled carefully at them.

"H-Hey, guys…" I muttered quietly, not really in the mood for chitchatting. I was still so embarrassed that I had a crash at the final exam.

"Whoa, are you alright? You look… Wounded," Armin said, a hint of concern on his face.

"Yeah, I'm fine… Don't mind me, it doesn't really hurt anymore, I'm just sad that I didn't pass the final exam," I said as my eyes looked a bit down. My mood dropped even more than it already had.

"Didn't pass?" Armin asked as he raised an eyebrow at me, "Rin, you made it to number five in the 104th training squad!" Armin argued, seeming surprised at the fact that I hadn't heard about the ranking.

"… Eh? I actually… Passed?!" I exclaimed in surprise, my eyes wide as I looked at Armin and Mikasa. They both nodded in unison.

"Mikasa made it to number one, while Eren made it to number six, just under you," Armin said. I wasn't really surprised at Mikasa's ranking, to be honest. She was the best at everything while training.

"Wow, I… Actually passed," I muttered quietly, still having a hard time believing what I just heard. I actually had a chance to join the Survey Corps now… I could join the Survey Corps! I could make my mother in Heaven proud of me! "Okaasan… Would be proud," I let out as a small whisper with a smile on my lips as my eyes moved to look at the Survey Corps soldiers in the courtroom once again.

Honestly, I was a bit afraid of Erwin and Levi's reaction to my decision about joining the Survey Corps… Especially if they happen to see me in my current condition - wounded from top to toe without having faced a single titan. I was weak… It would have been so embarrassing, especially because of who my parents were.

"Hey, Armin… Exactly what… Is this trial about?" I asked as I turned my head to look at Armin, though he just looked away immediately, not really wanting to answer my question. His reaction just made me even more frightened than I already was, for Eren.

And at that very second, was when the doors to the courtroom opened, and Eren stepped inside, being led to the middle of the courtroom. Every single head in the whole courtroom turned to look at my childhood friend, whose facial expression showed nothing but absolute horror. He wore some simple gray rags of clothing, as if he was truly a criminal. The guards even locked his wrists behind his back to some pole in the middle of the courtroom, just in case he tried anything funny - though guns were being pointed at him from all directions already.

"W-What's going on?" I whispered quietly as Eren's head turned a bit, his greenish eyes widening as they met mine, in the middle of the crowd. His eyes were scared, that much I could tell. He was scared and confused, just like I was, though he knew why he was having a trial… I was yet to know. I could feel how my breathing turned into short, small huffs, as if I couldn't breathe properly. My heart raced in my chest from something that could seem like some sort of adrenaline rush. My body was shaking at this point. It even made me dizzy, because of the many wounds and bruises my body had, it was already at its limit.

That was when I saw the commander in chief, from the corner of my eyes, Darius Zackly. He would be the one to judge in this trial, it seemed.

He was a short, yet heavily built, old man. He simply just wore clothings that seemed like his casual outfit, not seeming to actually care that much about this trial, neither was he half as surprised and shocked as the rest of the courtroom. He was the one in charge of the whole Military - The Survey Corps, Military Police and Garrison.

Apparently, I quickly understood most of the situation in this room.

Eren was to be handed over to either the Survey Corps or the Military Police - the Military Police wanted to execute him, while the Survey Corps simply claimed, that they thought that Eren's powers would be a great hope for humanity.

"… Exactly what happened?" I muttered quietly for myself. Why did all the civilians look so frightened, as if they had just seen a ghost or a monster? Why did they point fingers at Eren, my childhood friend. Why was all of this happening to him?

My question was soon to be answered as Darius Zackly opened his mouth once again, leaving the whole courtroom mute. He said a word, the only word, that could make the whole courtroom go silent. The civilians and soldiers who were discussing, yelling and arguing, just a few minutes ago, were completely lost for words while they all just eyed Eren with faces of disgust and fear.

They were all horrified.

I didn't do much better, though.

I was completely frozen in place, being close to not breathing.

_Titan._

The word, that could mute the whole courtroom.

_Titan._

It felt like my heart was suddenly caught in my throat, beating painfully as I was having problems breathing. My pulse was raging as my blood felt like boiled water, running through my icy veins. My head was spinning, leaving me dizzy and my mind clouded. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak, so I just sat there, frozen in place as I listened to the drama in front of me, thinking that it must've been a dream. These people, they accused Eren for being a titan - they accused my childhood friend for being one of those monsters that ate people. Those monsters that killed my family, as well as thousands of other people. Was it even possible?

Eren, who I could see was sitting in the middle of the courtroom, how could he be a titan? He looked human to me…

"Ti-… Titan…" I whispered quietly, my voice stuttering, my breathing still being uneven. It felt like I wasn't able to concentrate on the trial in front of me, though it was about whether or not Eren should be executed, or become a part of the Survey Corps. I should concentrate on this, right? It was important! Eren was one of my friends, and I should be there for him - I should do my best to defend him, right?

But I wasn't able to do anything.

I just sat there, while people summed up what had happened to Eren the last two days.

It happened as the titans breached the wall and entered Trost. First, Eren was eaten by a titan, losing two limbs while at it… After wards he was seen, emerging from a titan's dead body with his limbs grown back? Just like a titan… It was just like the way, a titan's limbs would all grow back, if they had somehow lost them.

However, as I understood, Eren was the reason that the hole in the wall to Trost had been sealed off again, by lifting an enormous boulder to block it…

"Eren is… A titan shifter?" I muttered quietly, but then immediately let out a small groan in pain as I could feel a throbbing, painful headache. It couldn't be from my wounds, could it? It felt so different, it was another kind of pain… What worried me the most, however, was the fact that I knew of a word like 'titan shifter'.

"Rin, are you alright?" Armin quickly asked as he turned to look at me, he seemed very worried, probably because of the condition I was in. I looked horrible in this state, though my wounds didn't hurt anymore, but I understood why he would be worried, so I just gave him a small smile and nodded, not wanting him to worry too much.

"I'm-… Fine… Thanks for worrying, Armin," I muttered quietly, though my smile quickly faded away as Armin turned to look at the trial once again. My throbbing headache was gone for now, it seemed.

Strange…

I was shaken back to reality, as the trial had developed into something that was way more intense. The Military Police was so rotten, and had decided to dig up something about Eren and Mikasa's past to use against them, trying to convince Darius Zackly that Eren was, in fact, a monster - however, I could feel how rage boiled inside of me, as they suddenly started accusing Mikasa of being a monster as well. Eren had saved Mikasa from three kidnappers when they were kids. The two of them killed the three men in self-defense, so what was the problem…

I turned my head a bit to look at Mikasa, making sure that she was alright, though the look on her face made it clear that she wasn't. Her usually cold face actually gave a small hint of fright, both for Eren's and her own sake.

"M-Mikasa…" I muttered quietly, but was cut off as Eren started yelling at the Military Police for accusing Mikasa for being a monster. He yanked almost threatening at his handcuffs, making the soldiers in the Military Police shake with fear, afraid of him becoming a titan because of his raging. They were afraid, that they wouldn't be able to control a titan, in the end.

But something crossed my mind at that second…

If they weren't able to control Eren, a titan…

Then how the hell were they supposed to execute him in the first place?

Obviously feeling threatened by Eren, the Military Police aimed their guns at him, ready to execute him at that very second…

And that's when Levi stepped in.

The very person who I knew from my childhood, Levi, humanity's strongest, planted a solid kick to Eren's face - sending a tooth flying across the courtroom, leaving the audience silent. However, it didn't stop there. Levi kept beating my childhood friend up in front of everyone, clearly not being affected by the fact that Eren was a titan.

I could see, from the corner of my eyes, how Armin had to hold Mikasa back to prevent her from interfering.

I was just… Left in shock.

The sounds of Eren's painful moans, groans, and Levi's kicking, echoed through the whole courtroom. I could see how bruises appeared on Eren's face, one after another, while he gasped for air. There was a small tug at my chest, because of the fact that I couldn't do anything to help him. Instead, I just glared at Levi, even if he had his reasons to beat Eren, while he was unable to defend himself, it still made me upset.

Finally, he was stopped.

Levi shot a glare at Nile Dok, the commander of the Military Police Brigade - the man who had stopped Levi, because he was scared shitless. Scared, that Eren would turn into a titan, because in his head it obviously worked that way.

In the end, Darius Zackly could see, how the Military Police Brigade wouldn't be able to handle Eren at all, because they were all scared, frightened. None of them had ever encountered a real titan, so of course they wouldn't know how to handle one, if it got to that. Levi had beaten Eren up in front of everyone, and I didn't need to know why, because now I knew. He had done it to convince the judge that he would be able to handle Eren, even if he turned into a titan. Levi was not scared.

Because of that, and the fact that Erwin Smith insisted that Eren's powers could benefit humankind through the Survey Corps, Darius Zackly then ended the trial:

"Eren is to be handed over to the Survey Corps under the supervision of Corporal Levi."

And with that, I could finally exhale the breath I had been keeping inside of me for the last minute. People were slowly leaving the courtroom, discussing with each other… My eyes, however, were just like glued to Levi's frame, while Eren was escorted out of the room. Even though everyone else were leaving, I just stood still, not really knowing what to do with myself. Did this mean, that Eren was joining the Survey Corps? And even Levi's squad? Then I wouldn't really be able to see him much, would I? I was far from good enough to even be considered becoming a part of Levi's squad, he was the best, I was far from.

It was somehow like we lived in two different worlds, you know? We were so far apart from each other, and the more I thought about it, the more it bugged me and made my heart cringe.

That's when I felt my heart skip a beat.

I looked up again, and my eyes met Levi's. He was looking back at me with his usual, cold, steel-gray eyes and expressionless face, the very same face he had years ago, when I saw him the last time.

He hadn't really changed, had he?

Then there was me, a girl who had just graduated as a cadet, wounded pretty badly, almost like some kind of mummy.

I felt embarrassed.

I immediately forced myself to look away from him, feeling like a disgrace to be this wounded and beaten up, without even having faced a single titan on the battlefield. My comrades had been killed, wounded, and devoured by the titans that had invaded Trost. They had put their lives at risk for humanity.

Me? Yeah, I had crashed against a tree because of my 3DMG malfunctioning.

My parents were the former commander and corporal of the Survey Corps, my mother being a legendary one at that. I was her daughter, I was supposed to walk in her footsteps and live up to my name. _Knightwalker_.

"What a fucking disgrace…" I whispered to myself as I quickly turned around to leave the courtroom, feeling a small, stinging pain at my eyes as the tears fought their way through and down my slightly bruised cheeks.

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Author note:

Thank you very much for reading my fanfiction! I'm so flattered~! /

I love getting reviews from you, they always make me happy, hahaha~...

Someone even guessed, during the last chapter, where I got the name for my OC's mother, Lucy Knightwalker... Knightwalker is a last name from one of the characters from Fairy Tail... Though "Lucy" is the name of one of the main characters in Fairy Tail as well, I actually got the name from Elfed Lied years back, because I-... Love Lucy from Elfen Lied so much, and I think it's a beautiful name, so I kinda just decide to keep that name for my OC's mom...

Enjoy the story! ^^ Thanks again for reading!


	11. Chapter 9: The Saint and The Asshole

I furrowed my brows as two soldiers were almost glaring down at me because of the request that had just slipped out of my lips. It was shortly after Eren's trial and these two soldiers were standing guard at a room in which Eren was. I told them, that I was one of his friends and that I wanted to see him urgently. So far, they had just exchanged glares before turning to glare at me instead. They were quite tall, mind you. They wore Survey Corps uniforms, obviously, since Eren would be joining them now, apparently.

"I'm sorry, but no one is allowed inside this room, especially not a civilian, young lady," one of the soldiers said, making the other soldier laugh ever so slightly at the way of addressing me.

"Excuse me, I'm no civilian," I muttered, feeling quite pathetic as I remembered my wounded body and civilian clothes. Maybe I had just graduated as a cadet, somehow, but right now I didn't look anything like one.

"We'll have to ask you to leave, the commander and lance corporal don't want to be disturbed while talking to Eren Jaeger, so… Just walk along, kid," the other soldier said as he decided to open his mouth. I swear, I could feel a vein becoming visible on my forehead as I got quite upset. I really did try to control myself, and my anger - but I could become quite aggressive at some times, especially when it was about my friends, my close friends, like Eren. He had saved my life when we were kids, so of course he meant a lot to me.

"Let me in, you useless pieces of titan defecation!" I exclaimed, my eyes full of fury at that time.

"Ah, but Rin, titans don't digest," said the familiar voice behind me as Hanji walked up to me, carrying something that looked like a first aid kit. The woman then turned to the soldiers guarding the room, "The girl is with me, let her in already."

"Y-Yes, Squad leader," said one of the soldiers quickly as they stepped aside.

"Finally," I muttered, the vein on my forehead slowly disappearing again as I opened the door. I was met with a small room, in which there was a couch, a table and a few chairs. On the couch was Eren, seated with his face looking towards the floor and his hands planted in his lap. He seemed quite nervous, which I understood completely… I was still a bit surprised to see that Eren's wounds from Levi's harsh beating had almost healed on his face.

"Eren," I quickly said, eventually getting the attention of all the three people in the room - Eren, Lance Corporal Levi and Commander Erwin Smith. Levi and Erwin were having a conversation, about what I didn't know, but I just walked in anyway, Hanji getting in just after me.

"R-Rin," Eren stuttered slightly as he looked up and our eyes met. He looked relieved to see a familiar face, someone he actually knew, since he had probably been surrounded by strangers for the last day - I could guess it from his clothes, they had been holding him captive, that much was clear.

"How are you feeling, Eren?" I said as I hurried to him, kneeling in front of him so that I could get a clear look at his face. His lips turned into a faint smile at my worried behavior, I knew that I was almost being a overprotective as Mikasa, but I hadn't really spoken to Eren for days, and what had happened had turned everything upside down at this point.

"Rin, do you hate me now?" he asked, the faint smile still on his lips, though he wasn't able to keep the eye contact as he looked away from me if just slightly. I could feel a small tug at my heart at his question. It surprised me, even.

"What do you mean, Eren?" I asked carefully, though I was indeed pretty sure what he meant. I could feel three pair of eyes on us, but none of the people around us wanted to interrupt, which was quite surprising giving the fact that I was actually the one having interrupted the whole meeting, but I was still thankful that I wasn't getting scolded for not saluting the Commander or Lance Corporal as I entered the room.

They probably knew exactly how important my friends were to me.

"I'm… A monster, ain't I?" Eren muttered slightly as his smile faded completely, his eyes suddenly seeming quite distant, "I mean-… I'm a titan, Rin… I'm one of those creatures that eat people, you know?" His voice was shaking just slightly at this point. I thought it was quite strange that he suddenly felt apologetic towards me - he didn't seem to feel like this during his trial, so why now?

"Eren, what are you-…"

"I'm a titan, Rin, just like those which killed your parents, just like those which ate your grandparents," Eren spoke, his eyes still getting more and more distanced as the words left his lips. My icy blue eyes had grown just slightly wide by now.

"What… No, Eren, stop it," I spoke, but it was no use.

"You have every right to hate me, the titans killed so many people you cared about, right? So why should I be any better?" Eren asked and I noticed how his fists were clenching slightly around the fabric of his pants. I bit my bottom lip quickly before I took a deep breath and grabbed his knees as I succeeded in making him look back at me again.

"Eren, you're no monster, so just stop it… Yes, I hate titans with the fire of a thousand suns, but so do you!" I almost exclaimed, making Eren gasp just slightly, though I continued, "You kill titans, Eren, you don't eat people, so how does that make you evil? You think you're a titan, but the person sitting right in front of me is no titan! This person who I'm speaking to is human, understood? Your hate for the titans, your will to serve humanity, those things are just two examples of the many that make you human, understood?"

Eren's eyes were looked directly back at mine at this point. His greenish eyes had grown wide in something that seemed like surprise. Had he honestly thought that I would abandon my friend when he needed me the most?

"T-Thank you, Rin," he said, closing his eyes and letting a small sigh leave his lips.

"Now, excuse me, Rin-chan," Hanji hummed with her usual cheery voice as she sat down next to me with the first aid kit, "I'll be taking a small look at your wounds now, Eren, and take a few test samples now I'm at it."

I quickly exchanged glares with Hanji before I smiled slightly at her and stood up again. I wasn't really worried about Eren being in Hanji's hands, even if she liked to experiment with titans, I knew that she wasn't the kind of person to hurt Eren.

"It's good to see you again, Rin," said a deep voice behind me and I immediately turned around to meet the handsome, familiar face of Erwin Smith. He flashed a smile at me and as I got back to my senses I did a fine salute, despite my condition and the faint pain I felt in my arms from my wounds.

"Ah, yes, I heard just today that you joined the military, and even made it to the top ten," Erwin said with his comforting voice, you know, one of those voices that could cure cancer and bring world peace. "Your parents would surely have been very proud of you, Rin." Erwin always knew how to make me feel comfortable, or even happy. He just somehow had the ability to do so, even though I hadn't spoken properly to him for years. Since he became the Commander of the Survey Corps I hadn't seen him much. It felt like it had been too long, and if only I was a child again, so that I could carelessly hug him, like I had no worries in the world. His friendship was the closest I had to something that just reminded me of family, so knowing that I wasn't really allowed to treat him as a friend or family anymore kind of actually hurt me on the inside.

As a child, back when my parents were still alive, I would carelessly just hug him, like he was some kind of older brother to me, and he would always return my hug with his charismatic laugh.

But that was the past.

He was now my Commander, no longer a close friend of my long gone family.

"T-Thank you, sir," I spoke, feeling a bit flustered by his praise. If there was something in this world that I surely wasn't used to, then it was praise. I always had the idea that I was never good enough, that everyone else were better than me, but being ranked within the top ten of the 104th training squad sure helped a bit on my low self esteem.

"You'll be choosing your military division this evening, right?" Erwin spoke and I nodded. I hoped he wouldn't ask which division I would join, I thought it was quite obvious, since my parents used to have high ranks within the Survey Corps. I wanted to walk in my parents' footsteps.

"Tch," Levi, who had been listening to our conversation, clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes. He stood with his back against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. He then made his way to the couch where he plopped down next to Eren, startling the boy if just slightly. I understood him completely, Levi had just been beating the crap out of him not too long ago.

"Eren, do you resent me?" Levi then spoke.

Oh, if only he asked me about that, then I would gladly plant a foot in his face, just like he did to Eren, though I was pretty sure I would just end up like Eren - if not worse - if I just tried.

"N-No, sir, I understand that it was a necessity in order to save me," Eren said as his voice was stuttering just slightly.

"That's good then," Levi muttered, leaning back in the couch ever so comfortably.

I swear, I could feel the anger burn inside of me because of his arrogance. Maybe this was just his way of apologizing for beating Eren's cuffed ass during his trial, but it still made me so fucking upset. He had always been like this, though. Even if he had his moments of caring, he didn't show it to anyone. I had experienced his caring only once - that was at my parents' funeral. The time when he would put a bouquet of sunflowers at my parents' grave and cover me, the crying daughter who was soaked from the rain, in his Survey Corps cloak, and then take me home to my grandparents.

… Sunflowers was quite something odd to leave at someone's grave, if it wasn't because it was my mom's favorite flower.

How did he know, though?

"Oi," Levi then spoke up. I felt his eyes on me, "What happened to you? You look like a complete mess." His monotone voice made it sound like he didn't give an honest fuck about my condition. That was pretty much like him, wasn't it? Not to care much about other people, I mean… At least that was my guess.

However, he still cared enough to actually ask, I'd give him that. He wasn't a complete asshole through and through.

At least not all the time…

"… My 3DMG malfunctioned during the examination, causing me to fall," I stated honestly, without really seeming to be affected by his rather rude comment about me looking like a complete mess, probably because it was the truth. The fact that I hadn't showered for two days probably added to it, especially because it was Levi talking.

"Oh? 3DMG doesn't just malfunction in mid-air," Levi said, raising an eyebrow at my answer.

"Well it still did, I guess there are exceptions," I muttered.

"Rin, if I were you I would ask someone to examine your broken 3DMG… Levi is right, it doesn't just malfunction mid-air," Hanji said while she tended to Eren's wounds, though they were already pretty much gone because of his incredible ability to heal quite fast - it was just like how a titan could regenerate itself.

"I'll think about it, but it's no big deal, really… I'm alright now, I'm getting a new set of 3DMG anyway," I sighed, "I'll take my leave, I should probably get someone to change my bandages as well and get dressed in my uniform… I'll see you later Eren, Commander, Squad Leader… Lance Corporal…" I turned around on my heel and headed for the door, touching one of the bandaged wounds on my arms, flinching just slightly at the numb pain.

It felt weird, somehow.

Yes, it hurt to touch my wounds, but it was also slightly… Numb.

It's difficult to explain, though.

I just walked all the way back to the room I had awoken in, where my stuff and uniform were kept. The walk itself took about ten minutes and it honestly tired me. I eyed the room, seeing that no one was there. My clothes had been put on the bed. My old uniform had been slightly torn by my fall, so I had received a new one, though it was quite a waste considering that I would get a completely different jacket once I joined the Survey Corps - a jacket with the Wings of Freedom on it.

My eyes moved from the bed to the vase on the table next to it. The vase with the sunflower in it. It was still standing proudly in the sunlight coming in from the window. I couldn't help but think that a sunflower was an odd flower to have at such a place?

"My eyes see only you."

That was the meaning behind the flower. It was my favorite flower, just like it used to be my mom's favorite as well. In my opinion, the sunflower was the most beautiful flower. If you happened to walk by sunflowers growing in the wild, you would see how their heads would always turn towards the sun, which I thought was something truly beautiful. My whole life, my heart had wished that someone would look at me the way a sunflower looked at the sun, though my brain wished for me to never let anyone steal my heart. The people I cared about would always get taken away from me as long as I lived in such a cruel world.

My parents.

My grandparents.

God knows how many of my comrades.

The fact that I didn't know how many of my comrades had died while I was unconscious actually left a painful tug at my heart.

A small sigh left my lips as I forced myself to look away from the sunflower and ended up looking at myself through a small mirror which hung on the wall. I felt like taking a shower, considering that I hadn't been able to do so for the last two days, and I honestly felt just slightly disgusting. I wasn't really sure, but something told me that I smelled like blood and wounds too - how attractive.

I grabbed my new clothes and went to take a shower just after asking a nurse if it was alright, of course.

"Do you need any help showering, miss?" the nurse asked with a smile. I just shook my head.

"No, I'm feeling much better now, thank you," I replied before closing the door to the bathroom I had been escorted to. I didn't like people watching me as I showered, that's where I drew the line.

"Oh well," I sighed heavily as I put my new, clean clothes on a shelf and then walked in front of a mirror to take off my clothes first. My chest was completely covered in bandages underneath my clothes as well, though something seemed rather odd as I took another look at myself…

"What the-…" I muttered as I furrowed my brows, stepping a bit closer to the mirror as I started to take off all of my bandages.

I stood there, in silence, as my bloody bandages fell to the floor, little by little. It took a rather long time to get everything off my body. I didn't like the sight of blood, whether it was my own or someone else's, so the look of the dried blood on the bandages, as they were sprawled out on the floor, made me shiver just slightly. It seemed that I had lost a rather large amount of blood.

"I guess that was the last one," I sighed heavily as I removed the last bandage from around my head. I turned my face to look at my reflection in the mirror, cringing ever so slightly at what I saw. My body looked nothing like the one of a soldier. Maybe I was slightly toned by now, but I still looked like a fourteen year old, despite the fact that I was nineteen, turning twenty. The wounds on my body, however, only consisted of dried blood, which I could just brush off, leaving untouched, unharmed skin.

"… I thought… I had only been here for two days," I muttered quietly for myself, feeling more confused, but I then immediately gasped as someone knocked on the door.

"Miss, are you alright in there?"

It was the nurse asking. I had taken a rather long time and still hadn't turned on the shower yet.

"Yes, I'm sorry, I'll hurry up!" I replied as I quickly hurried to get my shower done, washing my hair, face, skin - and getting rid of the smell of blood and wounds.


End file.
